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Criminal Jagoffs

Westmoreland County “Drunk” Goldilocks

Whoooopsies!  A Westmoreland County woman, kinda tipsy, wondered into the wrong house, the 2nd of TWO wrong houses, which she accessed through an unlocked window, and fell asleep.  The home owner came home, saw a window open and called the po-po.

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This leads me to a story:

Once upon a time, there was little Allison. She was a little confused walking home from a bar, ALLEGEDLY intoxicated, and tried one house’s window, but couldn’t get in. Then tried another house’s window and, completely forgetting that people NORMALLY access houses through a door, climbed into the window and…

At the table in the kitchen, there were three plates of Strawberry-Pretzel-Pittsburgh-Jello Salad. Allison was ALLEGEDLY hungry. She tasted the Strawberry-Pretzel-Pittsburgh-Jello Salad from the first Styrofoam picnic plate.

“This Strawberry-Pretzel-Pittsburgh-Jello Salad is too hot!”

So, she tasted the Strawberry-Pretzel-Pittsburgh-Jello Salad from the second Styrofoam picnic plate.

“This Strawberry-Pretzel-Pittsburgh-Jello Salad is too cold.”

So, she ALLEGEDLY tasted the last Styrofoam picnic plate of Strawberry-Pretzel-Pittsburgh-Jello Salad.

“Ahhh, this porridge is just right,” and she ALLEGEDLY ate it all up.

After she’d eaten the picnic leftovers, she ALLEGEDLY decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she ALLEGEDLY walked into the living room where she saw three pieces of furniture covered in plastic. She ALLEGEDLY sat in the first chair to rest her feet.

“This plastic is to sticky,” she exclaimed.

So she sat in the second chair, ALLEGEDLY.

“This plastic is to, too!”she whined.

So she tried the couch, ALLEGEDLY.

“Ahhh, this couch is just right,” she sighed and fell asleep.

(Homeowner to 911) “Someone’s been sleeping on my couch and she’s still there!”

Soon after, the cops came, and woke Alley-Cat Ally. Alley-Cat Ally did not jump and run back into the forest never to be heard from again. She was placed in a police car and a jail cell where she’s probably not near as comfortable sleeping as she was on the strange bed.

Alley-Cat Ally, thanks for not trying to drive.  We think this can be a new endorsement for you… those screaming window commercial people… “We can save YOU a lot of money!”  But wait.. no!  You know those beeper things that people use to locate their car and house keys?  You can endorse one to locate your entire HOUSE.  Or.. just start a mattress review blog.

Thanks for making news in Philly, New York and getting the national, “Look at those stupid Pittsburghers” finger to ya… YaJagoff!