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Criminal Jagoffs

Woman Makes Real-Life Poop Emoji

This is one story where, you look at the headline, and then say… “Nawwwww!” and then realize you’re NOT reading some fake news and your heart sinks about where society is going.

The story:

Unidentified woman didn’t like that the gas station restroom wasn’t available, at a Pittsburgh suburb-are BP.

The restroom was closed, supposedly, because what humans due to public restrooms.

So, THIS particular human ALLEGEDLY defecated on the ground on the ground outside of the gas station and then walked into the place and told the employees to clean it up.

No word on if she wiped after the alleged defecation or if she pulled up her britches over a soiled bottom.

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See what I mean? Either way ya look at it it, the story destroys your faith in humans…. restrooms destroyed by humans, so the restrooms are closed so humans poop on the ground in clear sight of others.

The good news for the suspect is, she dressed in Steelers gear which, as any Western Pennsylvanian would know, helps even a unicorn blend in with the crowd on any given day.

The bad news is, there aren’t many female Elton John doppelgangers around Western, PA as far as I know and now her face is all over Facebook.  NOTE: because we were giving away prizes all last week, this story is 6 days old and, she still has yet to be identified! 

Hey Elton-Johnneette… probably not long before ya get caught so, ya might want to do a mia culpa, don one of those poop-emoji hats, we’d also suggest a Ravens or… (this is awesome) a BROWNS jersey for the public display.  Then, go in front of the magistrate and give the excuse my grandpap might have given…..”Hey, Ya can’t hold what ya don’t have in you’re hand!”  Hell, if the judge is an irritable bowel syndrome sufferer like some of us, I think you’d get off without any punishment…. including having your nose rubbed in the mess!

On the other hand, the longer this goes, the easier it’s gonna be to track you down…. someone’s gotta be tracking Desitin Diaper Rash Paste sales in the area! So your time is coming!

One additional thing… thanks for not being a total degenerate and sliding your but around on the BP floor mats like a dog… Ya Jagoff!