Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
My fingers are just beginning to thaw as I type this. Some genius, who shall remain nameless, we’ll just call him Frank. So anyway, this person we will call Frank, decided it would be fun to do the YaJagoff podcast outside on the coldest morning of the year.
Ok, so the schedule was actually made a month ago. There was no way to know what the weather was going to be like. It’s not like he looked at the weather the day before and said,
“Hey, it’s going to be four degrees! Let’s go outside.”
That’s right, four. That’s what it was when we got into the city around 6:30 AM. I believe once the sun rose…It really wasn’t a sunrise so much as it went from blackness to gray. So let’s say after the gray came out, it went up to around six. That’s without the wind chill. Do we really need a wind chill when there’s only one digit in the temperature? All that can do is add a minus sign in front.
There’s never a wind chill factor in the summer.
“It will be eighty-five tomorrow, but with the wind chill will make it feel like eighty-four.”
Eighty-four is eighty more than it was this morning. When the weather person is using adjectives like, bitterly, brutally or painfully before the word cold, it’s only because they can’t cuss.
When it’s so cold that it hurts. When your nose is running and you’re not even aware of it. When everyone is looking at you funny because you have frozen snot on your face. Of course you don’t notice the way they are looking at you because you are looking at them the same way.
I remember being at a Steelers game once when it was so cold, I couldn’t feel anything below my hair. I got a beer…because you have to…but my arm was unable to lift the cup to my mouth. By the end of the game it was a beer slushy. So, why did I go to the game in that weather? Because I had tickets.
We don’t let this weather stop us. We complain, we wear more clothing, but we don’t stop. I was in Tennessee once and it snowed less than an inch. It was a Saturday night and everybody went home and didn’t come back out again until the snow melted.
A few years ago in Atlanta it snowed an inch at evening rush hour and people didn’t get home for days. They just stopped driving in terror and sat and waited for better weather. We don’t do that here. Sure there are people that drive so slow when it snows, that it seems like they aren’t moving. Did you ever notice the people that have the big four-wheel drive SUV’s are always the worst drivers in the snow? They could drive like a moron in any car. I guess they like being above all the fingers being waved at them.
So why do we do it? There are places where it’s warm all the time. Why aren’t we living there? What’s the matter with us?
We’re from Pittsburgh. We’ll bitch, we’ll moan, but we deal with it. Because we know, in three or four months, this weather will be over. That seems like a long time right now, doesn’t it? Especially, because we maybe see the sun twice in those three or four months. But, once this weather is gone it will be worth the wait. Merry Christmas, Pittsburgh! Oh, and wipe that snot off your face.
Since it’s the holidays, we shouldn’t forget those less fortunate. Think how tough it is to deal with this weather for the homeless. If you’re feeling generous, Light of Light Mission does all it can to help these people at lightoflife.org
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841