Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
I’ve decided I want to go to the moon. There’s a company called SpaceX that will be taking two passengers into space starting next year and why shouldn’t one of them be me?
They’re not saying what the actual cost will be at this time but from what I’ve read, it will be between 80 and 175 million dollars. This is where I’m having a little problem. At this time I’m about 175 million short, give or take ten or fifteen bucks.
My goal is to come up with about 200 million, just to be on the safe side and it’s not like I’m trying to make a profit. Since the flight won’t be landing, I won’t have to check a bag, so I save fifty bucks right there. But, there may be tax on the 175 million. Plus, I like to pay extra to get an aisle seat. They also aren’t saying if meals are included so I may need some cash for snacks. I can’t survive five days on those tiny bags of nuts and pretzels.
My main objective then is to raise the necessary funds. I’m thinking of starting with a bake sale. I just have to find a location where people are willing to pay a thousand dollars for a cupcake. I may have to go to one of the states where marijuana is legal. Who knows, I may end up relocating.
I suppose I could just go to a bank and apply for a loan. If I put on a nice suit and kiss up a little, that may work. But, what I’m thinking is, my best bet is to find a rich person that wants to take me along. So, if you or somebody you know is a billionaire, here’s the reasons for taking me along.
First of all, we will be the only two on-board. This is an automated flight. Can you guarantee there won’t be a problem? What if we have to fix something like they did on Apollo 13? They had to build an air filtration system out of duct tape and a Kleenex box. Well, they did in the movie anyway. If you’re a billionaire, you probably don’t even brush your own teeth. My first car was made out of nothing but duct tape and putty. You need me.
Second, I will be good company. If you go with another billionaire, all you will talk about is how much money the two of you have. What if the other person has more than you? That will make you feel bad. With me, you know you have more money. While you talk about it, I’ll just nod my head and act interested. Of course if you own the Pittsburgh Pirates, our conversation will be,
“Why in the hell are you flying the two of us into space instead of spending this money on starting pitching?”
You may also be concerned that it will all go by so fast that you’ll feel like you’ve wasted you’re money. Or, you might think that the thrill of flying to the moon will make getting back to earth kind of a letdown.
This is where I’m most beneficial. ..Here’s the thing. If I’m locked in a tiny space capsule for five days, listening to you talk about how wonderful you think you are, just to look at the moon for a couple of hours…Let’s just say I won’t be the most pleasant company.
I will probably get so aggravated and miserable that you will be praying to get back home. Five days with me will seem like months. When we do get back to earth, you’ll race out of the capsule and kiss the earth.
Now, doesn’t that seem like it’s worth a couple hundred million?
I’ll be doing a show next Friday, March 10 at the Oaks Theater.
Along with me, will be the very funny Collin Chamberlin.
Click HERE for ticket info.
Also, to promote the show, we came up with a video. If you haven’t seen it yet, here it is.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841