Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
I will keep this brief. Mainly because I’m running late thanks to Penn Dot and an idiot that couldn’t figure out which slot the money went into at the self-check-out. I gave him a suggestion of where to put it, but he didn’t even try my idea.
This will also be the last time we talk about this ugly election. After this week, I go back to being aggravated by the normal things, like bad drivers. I have an idea of how to help them and I’m trying to get the ball rolling on this one. Since everybody is using their phone in some way when they drive, your phone number should be printed on the front and back of your car. On the front it would be in reverse, the way it is on an ambulance.
With the phone number idea, we could call the other drivers. Say you’re behind somebody driving like a moron.
“Excuse me, I’m behind you right now and I was just wondering what connections you have that enabled you to acquire a driver’s license?”
Say somebody is riding your ass,
“Do you want to back off before I slam on the brakes and you have this conversation from my back seat?”
Ok, we’ve avoided the elephant in the room long enough. President Donald Trump. Have you been able to say it yet? Has it been able to just roll off your tongue? Or are you like me and it gets caught up in the back of your throat and comes out sounding like a scream of terror?
Maybe your one of the people that are happy about this. By the way, where are these people? I have a lot of friends in comedy and we’ve been trying to keep light of the situation. So, we post some things on line to make each other laugh even though most of us are…let’s say, a little less than optimistic.
Then I get angry responses from his supporters. Calm down, your guy won. I thought the whole idea behind electing him was because you were angry and wanted change. But, you’re still angry even though he won. I have a theory that these people are angry all the time. Now they’re angry because they don’t have anything to be angry about.
So, the new president is a star of a reality show with absolutely no political experience. How’s that one feeling in your chest? Take a few deep breaths. These are the cards we were dealt, we have to live with them.
Maybe this will cheer you up. I was performing in Las Vegas, years ago and my friend Bruce was in town. We used to see each other all the time when we both lived in Los Angeles, but I had moved back to Pittsburgh the year before.
Anyway, it was a few days after an election and Bruce and I were having dinner at the Tropicana, where I was performing. He suddenly just started laughing uncontrollably for no reason and blurted out,
“Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California!”
Arnold had just been elected and Bruce found this to be hysterical. He laughed until tears rolled down his face and kept saying,
“Arnold Schwarzenegger is Governor of California.”
Yes, that’s right, Arnold Schwarzenegger was Governor of California and that didn’t turn out so bad. See, you have to try to find a positive way of looking at all of this.
Of course, nobody ever gave Arnold the nuclear code.
By the way, 45 percent of the people didn’t even bother to vote. If those people would have come out and voted for me, the “Jagoff” party would be headed to the White House.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841