Vintage Jagoffs

Vintage Post – Ohio Drivers


1) YES!  This is an Ohio driver – driving in the left lane, for no apparent reason!!!

2) WHY is this categorized as a “Vintage Jagoff?”  Because everyone in Pennsylvania – especially Pittsburghers that make their annual pilgrimage to “Pittsburgh South” i.e, Myrtle Beach – know that there is an unexplained phenomenon of Ohio drivers that LOVE driving in the passing lane as carefree and casual as if they sauntering through Barefoot landing after eating a full plate of Umberto’s pasta.  FYI, even my Ohio friends agree and cannot explain this issue with their Buckeye Compatriots.

So, to Ohio drivers, here’s driving 101:

1)  The left lane of the road is the PASSING lane – used to drive in when you are trying to get around another driver.  After you pass that driver, you get back into the right lane.

2) The right lane is where you can casually drive while you talk on your phone, text, daydream, gaze around or dream up or revel in the fact that the Browns are ahead of the Steelers in the NFL standings

(And here the biggest tip)

3) The gas pedal is the pedal on the right, YA JAGOFF!!!

Mon Warf Flooding. Should That EVER Be A Suprise?

Question:  Drunk or sober, if you’re a guy and you pee’d on an electric fence and received the shock of your life, drunk or sober, would you ever pee on an electric fence again or would your brain be conditioned to avoid the electric fence for the rest of your life?

(Sorry we don’t have a female reference on this one. But we’re sure you get the point.)

The opening question, and the recent storms led us to contemplate the Mon Warf Parking concept as brought up by one of our followers.  Here’s what was posted on our Facebook page:

I have a suggestion for a Jagoff of the Day (if not decade).  The designer of the Mon Wharf parking area.  It didn’t occur to the jagoff in question that, at the merest hint of precipitation, the place would flood for a month?

Haaaa… how true.. as Pittsburghers all of our life, we never think TWICE what Jagoffery it is to have parking right next to the river with absolutely ZERO protection!!!

A totally objective observer might process the Mon Warf Parking area like this:

There’s a cemented, level area inside the downtown triangle… the triangle where parking is somewhat limited

It’s at the edge of the river

It’s a mere 3 feet above the normal river level

With a large amount of precipitation, the river rises sometimes with warning, and sometimes not

Given all of those points, what did someone decide to do with the slab of cement?  Make it a full-time PARKING LOT!!!!!!

And, despite the fact that indeed it does flood, sometimes suddenly, it’s been a parking lot for as long as we can remember.  We have to admit, even WE have parked there. (Just snorted from embarrassing laugh.)

What does that say about all of us?

Then again, we’re not really sure WHO the Jagoffs are in this case….the people who planned this as a bonafide parking space, the people who APPROVED it as a parking space, the people who sell spots in it every day or the people who actually pay to park there despite the fact they might have some wet floor mats with a good rain storm!

(Starting to feel really stupid right now)

But wait!!!  This made us think what COULD the Mon Wharf area be used for and here’s what we came up with… make the area a full time flea market specifically for pool and water recreation supplies.  Think of it, every time it rains everyone can run down from work, not to rescue their cars, but to get free demos of inner-tubes, rafts and floating bars!!!!!!!  Now THAT my dear Sir/Madam is Outside-the-Box thinking!

So now we re-pose the question..Drunk or sober, if you parked your car at the Mon Wharf and, even 1 time had to hurry up and leave work to move your car OR, even worse, find your car partially under water, drunk or sober, would you ever park your car AGAIN at the Mon Wharf?

The answer for most seems to be “Yes.”

Going back to the Facebook post.. since we have nobody else to blame and governmental types are so easy to blame, here goes it:

Hey City Zoning Dudes and Dudettes, the next time someone offers an idea for an occasionally submersible parking lot, please do what you do best, SAVE US FROM OURSELVES because your our leaders and we clearly don’t know what we should or shouldn’t have, Ya Jagoffs!!!

Special thanks to Adam Birch for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher today.

Are Turn Signals REALLY Optional?

Ya know when you’re sitting at an intersection waiting to pull out and another driver comes down the street perpendicular to you towards the intersection (like he’s gonna cross in front of you), so you decide to NOT to pull out, and then that driver turns BEFORE they get to you!  Or, your driving behind someone yakin’ on their phone, they start to slow down, you have no idea why, they make a turn and THEN turn on their turn signal!

You may say, “Big Deal,” or “Lighten up Francis!” it’s only a turn signal!  Sure, this may seem petty but, not using a turn signal is more about laziness, selfishness and a lack of respect for others than anything else.  Not using a turn signal because you’re trying to make the turn without putting down your phone AND your Sweet Tea is, well… ya know!

To quote one of our Facebook AND Twitter Followers, Dr. Dave:

Hey Jagoff–my Great Carnack skills are a little slow today..signal B4 you turn!

Haaaa.. we like the use of the vernacular Dr. Dave!  But we think we found the problem, turns signals are failing because people are not replacing their TURN SIGNAL FLUID!!  They can’t afford it,  probably due to the economy, the war, the March hail storms and hurricanes, the recent G-20 Summit, the Batman Movie, the Tom Cruise movie activity AND gas prices!!!!

Here’s our recommendation to avoid the frustration with non-signalers:  make everyone’s license plate their TEXT MESSAGE ADDRESS!!! Then you can type, “Hey KRG-345, I think U R a little low on TURN SIGNAL FLUID, YA JAGOFF!!!”


We posted this note by Dr. Dave for two reasons:  It made sense AND it’s still Breast Cancer Awareness Month and he would like you all to go LIKE the Young Women’s Breast Cancer Awarness Foundation Facebook page!!!


Thanks to Dr. Dave for being our Jagoff Catcher of the day and for writing us instead of taking out the other drivers with a SHOVEL (see yesterday’s post.)