Travel Jagoffs

The Hotel Cart Jags



Seriously?  Oh wait… maybe you want to keep it for your kids to ride up and down the hallway on.

You can’t take a couple of minutes to return this to the lobby so that someone else can use it, Ya Jagoffs?

Pittsburgh Cutting Edge Health Care Ideas AGAIN!!!!!!!

There aren’t many times that I act like GENIUS but this might be one of ‘em!!!

Since Pittsburgh is always on the forefront of new health care things, I started to think, how can WE solve the national health care crisis.

Our SJU, Special Jagoff Unit,  found a way to lower health care costs, promote early checkups and take full advantage of those back-scatter airport scanners that show EVERRRRREEEEE thing including your skivvies AND the skid marks that make your DER-wear look like runway 2-8 RIGHT at the Pittsburgh International Airport (Click, Save, Fly!). 

HERE’S THE DEAL, staff the back-scatter scanner units with DOCTORS!!!  Yep, professionals that can make on-the-spot diagnoses.

Picture it:

“By the way sir, we’ve verified there’s no contraband in your colon, HOWEVER, Dr. Lou Stool, our gastroenterologist see’s a few polyps in your sigmoid area.  Could ya please step over here for a quick colonoscopy?  Don’t worry that you haven’t fasted, the Taco Bell you had in the food court would have cleaned ya out better than a molasses enema.”


“By the way, ya might wanna consider cycling to your destination today instead of flying ‘cause you’re WAY over weight and, Dr. A. Fib Ralation, the TSA cardiologist working our scanner today, actually saw clumps of Primanti SANGwiches floating in your right coronary artery.”

Maybe we could even cash-in frequent flyer miles for things like heart catheterizations or  bags of IV fluid instead of comp drinks or for a ”Fashion Fit Emergency Mask” or maybe an in-flight urinary catheter for the old guy in the window seat (cuz he likes to lean) that gets up to pee every 20 minutes? Why not?  Those miles CERTAINLY aren’t good for flying anywhere!!

By the way, if this airport scanner health-care thing does go through, I see the following being some ORBITZ TRAVEL SPECIAL ideas:

 Asthmatics to Athens

Prostate Checks on flights to the Finger Lakes

Kidney Function Tests on European flights (Get it? You’re a pee-in’)

Hey Highmark, UPMC, Joe’s Healthcare, Pittsburgh Airport…. SOMEONE hire us as experts.. but we want full credit… like “Life Changing Medicine and Travel, Ya Jagoffs!”  Or “Your Health Care AND Travel Partner, Ya Jagoff!” or our favorite, “Click, Save Your Life, Fly, Ya Jagoff!!!!”



“That Shoeless Guy” (or Girl) On The Airplane


Seriously????  When did plane rides become so casual and all about “me.”  Do these people NOT get any “me” time at home?

What is it with people thinking it’s OK to get on a flight, that lasts and hour and forty-five minutes, and get comfy like their in their own living room….shoes off, socks off, blanket, neck-pillow thingy?

(By the way, those neck-pillow thingies look really silly on you when you keep them on walking to the airplane bathroom.  Ya look like you’re wearing a head-only life preserver in the event you get sucked into the blue water!)

But seriously, you can’t go two hours without kicking off your shoes?  Do ya have a Fireplace App on your phone that you can run and maybe some wood-burning-scented hand cream that you can bring out too??

I think I have to find another way to travel other than flying!!

But, then again, I would miss sitting in the middle seat of an airplane pinned between someone who feels that they are in their own living room and has to take off their shoes and someone who requested a window and has to get up an pee 3 time an hour!!

Keep your shoes on… you’re on an airplane not at home on your iced-tea-stained-potatochips-and-pretzels-and-poptart-crumb-between-the-cushions couch, Ya Jagoff!!