Movie Jagoffs

Jun 13 2013

Movie Theater Jagoff (Not What You Might Expect)

So went to a movie a few weeks ago.

While they were packing everyone in to the theater, the movie trailer for “Fast and Furious” starring Vin Diesel came up.  It’s clear from the trailer that this is an action movie with stuff blowing up, car crashes, guns, fists, dirt, smoke and sweat!

One of the scenes shows Vin Diesel and company fighting and they fall from an airplane into a car… PERFECT LANDING even by the Russian Judge without nobody killed.

The girl next to me yells, “They’d be DEAD!”

My thoughts: “NOOOOOO REALLY?”

At that point I was REALLY hoping that she had never seen E.T., The Santa Clause, Star Wars or Young Frankenstein (I’m sure you can name more).

Lady, we’re IN A MOVIE THEATER where they show “People-suddenly-fall-in-love-on-a-subway-The-ugly-guy-gets-the-hot-girl-Nobody-showers-or-brushes-their-teeth-after-having-sex-But-wakes-up-looking-perfect-Puppies-never-die-Unsuspecting-hero-sinks-the-basketball-to-win-the-championship-at-the-last-minute-Solve-the-murder-case-with-not-yet-invented-cool-pocket-scanners-in-24-hours-People-stand-real-close-to-explosions-get-knocked-down-and-brush-themselves-off-Even-Justin-Beiber-can-be-a-rockstar” type films.

If ya want real life programs, go home and watch Charlie Sheen Two-and-a-Half-Men reruns, YA JAGOFF!!!

 

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Nov 19 2012

Pittsburgh Ladies’ Night Out – Breaking Dawn

Well, the Twilight series is winding down with numerous Pittsburgh ladies going for a “Ladies’ Night Out”  to see “Breaking Dawn.”

Bunches of ‘em at every showing… at the South Side Works - Cheesecake Factory for dinner, the Wine Loft for drinks and a movie at the South Side Works Cinema where they oooooogle, wiggle and giggle over a shirtless young stud like Taylor Lautner.

RESULT: The ladies had a crazy night out!

Now let’s SWITCH it.  

What if a bunch of older guys pay big bucks for a guys’ night out  at the South Side Works - Hofbräuhaus for dinner, the Claddagh’s for drinks and a movie at the South Side Works Cinema  where they squirm in their skid-marked under drawers over a young female, Taylor Swift as an exmaple.

Yeah, YOU get it!!!

RESULT: Those guys are SICK old men!

Ladies, enjoy the double standard but, just to let you in on a little secret from the GUY HANDBOOK….that whole thing of opening the car door for you and then walking around and letting ourselves in is NOT about you.  It’s really about giving US time to FART before we get in the car.  So take THAT double standard, Ya Jagoffs!!!!!

Author’s note:  The male situation above is OBVIOUSLY fabricated OTHER than the going-out-with-skid-marked-underwear part. Cuz MOST guys’ nights out involve the absolute cheapest alcohol possible. 

Pre-order one of these in time for Christmas. 

They will be on our store and pre-orders will be taken in order to ship in time for Christmas!!!

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Jul 23 2012

Movie-goer Jagoffs….Where’s The Buffet?

One more “guest blog” as we give some Pittsburgh Comedians

a chance to express themselves!

By: Tom Musial (Pittsburgh Comedian)

On a hot summer day, lots of people like to beat the heat by heading to the local theater to catch the latest big movie. But as with anything,you’re going to have to deal with Jagoffs.

We all know about the Talking Jagoffs and the Texting Jagoffs and the Excuse-Me-I-Have-To-Go-To-The-Bathroom-Ten-Times Jagoffs, but I want to talk about the Food Jagoffs: those patrons who insist on pairing their movie with a five course meal of a giant soft pretzel, a slice of pizza, a foot long chili dog, a box of chicken fingers, and a tray of nachos.

Let me be clear: I have nothing against snacking in a movie theater. Movies and popcorn have been an American tradition for more than a century. Personally, I prefer a box of Sno-Caps. But a full meal? It’s a concession stand, folks, not a Golden Corral.

I can’t understand why someone would even want that nasty and outrageously expensive theater food anyway. If you’re that hungry on the way to the show, drive through McDonalds! You can get a 20-piece McNugget for only $4.99 these days. That wouldn’t even cover the cost of your soft pretzel.

I wouldn’t even mind so much if they ate their food during the previews and then took their trash out into the hall. But instead, these bozos eat half of each plate, then stick their refuse under their seat where it quickly begins to decompose.

There’s nothing more disgusting than a pile of half-eaten food slowly disintegrating in a dark, crowded, airtight room. By the time the movie gets to the exiting climax, the entire theater smells like a dumpster out behind a roller rink.

I went to see “Inception” a few years back, and to me the biggest mystery was: why do Leonardo DiCaprio’s dreams smell like dried ketchup floating in a bed of congealed nacho cheese?

So to all you movie goers can’t make it two hours without a 5,000 calorie serving of processed meats and imitation cheese, please do me one favor –
go to Redbox… Ya Jagoffs!

You can follow Tom Musial on Twitter and his own blog HERE

Also follow the website Pittsburgh Comedy to see when he and other comedians will be performing live.

Don’t forget to check out our t-shirts. Proceeds go to Breast Cancer Research at Magee Women’s Hospital.

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