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When Irish Eyes are Bloodshot

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

This article comes out the day of the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade here in Pittsburgh. That also means since we’re getting close to spring, this will be the first weekend Penn-Dot closes all access in and out of the city for construction.

I will be home for a change this year but we won’t be attending the parade. I just can’t start drinking that early in the morning anymore. Yeah I know,

“You don’t have to drink.”

That just makes the crowd of drunken morons surrounding me that much more annoying. I need something to take the edge off, but hey, the rest of you enjoy yourselves. For whatever reasons, this holiday and drinking go together. Then again, if you want to you can find a motive to drink for any holiday.

“Jesus is risen! Let’s do Jagerbombs!”

So people have a few before and during the parade and then off to the Irish Pubs. That’s where more drinking goes down. Face it, if you find yourself in an Irish establishment today, you’re not there for the cuisine. Here’s a phrase that’s never been uttered,

“We need more restaurants with cabbage dishes.”

Nobody would eat cabbage if there wasn’t drinking involved.

What’s wrong with drinking? Once the parade is over you have to keep that buzz going. So now you have large groups of people walking around town acting drunk and foolish in the middle of the afternoon. What makes it strange is there’s no Steeler’s game.

I’m not knocking alcohol. Look at what it can do for you. It makes you smarter and stronger than anyone else. In fact, when you drink, you know everything. If anybody disagrees, you can kick their ass.

Back when I was young and foolish…I know, I’m supposed to be older and wiser. Sorry, now I’m just older. Men don’t get older and wiser. Like the Leprechaun, that’s just a myth. My wife’s not real thrilled about finding that out.

Anyway, back then I never had any problems with drinking. Yeah sure, I was escorted out of a few establishments, but, there was never any reason for it. At least not any that I was able to fully comprehend at the time.

I could have avoided a lot of fights if people didn’t look at me the way they always said they didn’t. Also, things could have been smoother if everyone just agreed that I was right.

One thing I never understood was green beer. This can only wreak havoc with your urine. If you must ruin beer by dying it green, don’t do it to good beer. Use Coors Light or some other “mop wringing’s.” It just seems stupid to me. You wouldn’t drink water if it came out of the tap green. Yeah, I know they do in Flint, Michigan, but that’s because the governor Rick “I’m not resigning” Snyder said it was OK.

Beer is the only thing I drink. Anything else makes me want to argue. There’s always some idiot that doesn’t realize how wrong they are. Beer, on the other hand, makes me act cool. At least, I think that’s what people are saying as they point at me and talk.

I really enjoy the craft beers and they keep coming out with new ones every day. I want to try them all. Hey, you have you’re bucket list, I have mine.

Now on this day, when everyone is Irish, just remember moderation. Too much alcohol can make you behave like a jerk. I’ll give you an example. Just last week I was in a bar listening to a group of drunken morons arguing over the size of their manhood…Oh wait, that was the Republican debate…never mind.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.


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