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How To Punish This Criminal?

Everyone knows that the South Side is a trap of petty crimes but to have attacked 89 Edith on her way home from the grocery store?  Thankfully I’m not a REAL judge, I only judge here on the blog, because I’m a fan of the movie “Law Abiding Citizen” where people like this get the honor of being mentally and physically tortured!

The best part of the story is that Edith is not letting it scare her.  She said. “He will not scare me off. I’ll do what I’m supposed to do as usual. No man is gonna scare me like that.  Whoever did it, I hope he’ll pay the price. Someday, it’s gonna happen to him and he’s gonna really realize, ‘God, what did I do to that woman?’”

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As usual, here at the blog, we don’t recommend jail time. We recommend rehabilitation where someone gets to REHAB the criminal …helping them to understand what it feels like to go through the mental and physical pain of being attacked. So, here’s OUR prescribed REHAB:

Edith gets to take this person to the grocery store to watch while her attacker stands in line at the self-checkout line while 6,849  5 year-olds try to scan carts full of poorly labeled groceries while being occasionally distracted by candy and shiny objects. As he becomes agitated by the wait in line, Edith gets to activate an already-connected taser line (connected to his fingernail beds) every time he rolls his eyes, complains, huffs or gasps out of frustration over what is going on in front of him. But.. every time he jumps from the taser shock, the kids get to punch him in the nutz and, every time he bends over from being punched in the nutz, Edith gets to hit him in the back of the head with a cast iron skillet.  And every time his eyes bulge open from the discomfort or shock and horror being whacked in the head, Edith gets to sprinkle sriracha sauce and salt on his eyes!  And, after that, James Harrison simply gets to kick the @#!% outta him… but only AFTER we’ve put a life-like Roger Goodell mask on the perpetrator.


OK.. maybe that’s a little rough of a punishment… maybe we should feel bad for ya and go easy.. slice the bottoms of your feet open and make you stand on piles of table salt… you’ll get yours eventually,  Ya Jagoff!