Election Jagoff Post

Well… we were up all night! Not watching the returns but SCANNING the news for some type of election day Jagoffery and, well, our man Dave Bondy, WPXI Reporter, found a great story.

Sure, we could have posted about the people complaining about needing an I.D. vs. no voter I.D., machines going crazy or long lines. etc, etc!! But HELLS no!! We needed something more RIDICULOUS.

Like the WPXI story about a polling place in West View opening up 45-minutes late due to the election judge GETTING LOST!!!!!!!! Here’s a quote from the WPXI story,

“The polling place said they couldn’t find a judge or the judge got lost or some bloody thing,” said Mary Sweeney. “Then she got lost going from the North Side to where she picked up the black box coming here.”

Channel 11’s Dave Bondy spoke to election workers who confirmed the delay.

WHUT??????? The election judge was late? Yeppir. And it wasn’t like there was some kind of major “tree down” or “accident on 28” deal!! The judge got LOST!

And then on Dave Bondy’s Facebook page some followers had good hearts trying to defend the whole being-late-for-getting-lost thing writing things like, “What? you never got lost getting some place for work?

Well of COURSE most of us have gotten lost going to work at some point in our lives BUT it wasn’t when something as huge as this was going down: one of THE most emotional elections in our life time, that takes place ONCE every 4 years where nearly every media outlet was predicting an overwhelming voter turnout!!!!!

Do ya think the judge might have wanted to take a little dry run to the polling place prior to Election Day?? It’s not like he/she didn’t have any advanced notice. We’ve been watching Bull S@#T political ads for 2 years.

Hey Election Judge, since we don’t know your name we’re gonna give you some random initials like…..let’s see.. how about, G.P.S.?

So, Judge GPS, just as an FYI, there is another Presidential Election in 4 years. This is a great time to put a West Penn AAA membership on your Christmas Wish List. That way, you have 3 years and 363 days to order some TRIP TIKS and learn how to get to every potential polling place. Hell, maybe the Apple Map program will even be fixed by then!

Getting a 1,458 day heads up might even give ya enough time to also figure out where the closest WalMart is to each polling place! That way you’ll even know where to go in an emergency, like when the polling place runs out of that nasty, cheap hard tack candy, Ya Jagoff!!!

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Just Drive??????? PA’s Sober Driving Campaign!


It’s been a while since we had a “guest blog.”  This is a perfect one!!!!! 

Try not to spit liquids or pee while you are reading!

By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedian)

If you’ve been in a bar bathroom recently, you may have seen the poster for Pennsylvania’s new sober driving campaign. You may have noticed that their new slogan is “Just Drive.” Because what says caution and responsibility more than “Just Drive”? Are they serious? Consider the series of bonehead decisions that had to be made for that poster to end up on the bar bathroom wall. This was somebody’s joban advertising professional whose job it was to come up with the best sober driving campaign possible. He probably kicked around a bunch of slogans, but somehow felt “Just Drive” was the one. And this guy has a boss whose job it is to make sure what the first guy comes up with is good, or at least not embarrassingly moronic. And the boss sees “Just Drive” and says “Brilliant!” And these guys had to pitch this idea to PennDOT, and the PennDOT people see “Just Drive” and say “Perfect! That’s just what we’re looking for!” Are you kidding me? If this was the best slogan they could come up with, what they leave on the cutting room floor? I can guess:

How drunk are you, really?

It’s not that far. Think you can make it?

Cabs are expensive.

You can’t just leave your car here.

Screw it.

“Just Drive” is the last step in a thought process that leads to a decision to drive drunk. You know all the reasons why you shouldn’t, but in the end you just drive. The sober driving campaign is supposed to be designed to convince you otherwise. But nowadays, when it’s closing time and you’re wondering how you’re going to get home, you’ll remember what the poster on the bathroom wall said: “Just Drive.” Yeah, it might have said “Safe and Sober” underneath, but that was in a really small font size and it was kinda blurry considering how much you drank so you didn’t notice it. So when the time comes, forget about PennDOT’s bonehead advertising campaign and DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE, ya jagoffs!

You can follow James J. Hamilton on Twitter and his own blog HERE

but also follow the website Pittsburgh Comedy to see when he and other comedians

will be performing live.  

“Your phone’s ringing, Ya Jagoff!”  Free Ring Tones

Click thumbnail below.

Isn’t This Alcohol Abuse?

A Post-Gazette article, last week (here) is pretty much the eulogy on the Pennsylvania Wine Kiosk “experiment.”  It’s probably also a pretty good “white paper” on what politicians know about running a real business.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story OR the crazy Pennsylvania system of purchasing alcohol ONLY from a State Employee who is highly trained and EXTREMELY vigilant on WHO can buy alcohol, ya see, Pennsylvania has these things called State Liquor Stores.  The closest thing to alcohol we can get in a grocery store is something about 28 times less proof than Catholic altar wine.

So, to try and make our lives better and alcohol purchases more convenient,  the State folks decided, “Hey, let’s let minions purchase wine from electronic kiosks in grocery stores.  It will be sooooo convenient that we will be able to charge higher prices – ALMOST enough to pay off the million dollar machines used to dispense the 10 or so types of wine in it.  People will think we’re BRILLIANT!”

(My first thought was, “WHAT?  Have you seen how mangled peanut-butter-cheese crackers get when THEY fall from the top row?)

Well, needless to say the experiment didn’t go so well.  It actually got to the point where, the machines didn’t work SO MUCH that the State Liquor folks actually paid an employee to sit at the machine to attend to the 1 or 2 people that tried to use it each day in the grocery store.  Isn’t that like Parkvale Saving Bank paying a bank teller to watch transactions all day at an ATM?  (Come to think of it, that would probably be pretty entertaining on a Friday night at any ATM near the Strip District!!)

According to the Post-Gazette article, (CLICK HERE FOR IT):

1 out of 21 transactions had a mishap

919 malfunctions occurred in 6 months

Wal-Mart got so scared of the machines that they backed out of them before even installing them 

What was Wal-Mart actually gonna sell outta these things?  Didn’t think those machines held wine BOXES!  Well, the good news is that nobody tried to rock or tip one of the million-dollar machine because their purchase got stuck against the glass!!

So Liquor-Control-Freaks,  we appreciate you trying to make our lives so much more convenient.   You moved us from the 19th century where we have to locate a special alcohol store, separate from where we get the rest of the snacks and mixers, to a system that allowed us to purchase alcohol in a grocery store SIMPLY by, reviewing the wine kiosk choices, calling someone on the video screen, showing them my identification, proving that I am not already drunk by talking to them and blowing into a breathalyzer, waiting for the verification, then paying for the wine and then hoping that the bottle actually comes out of the machine!! (True CONVENIENCE!)

The good news is, there is no Nobel “Fiscal Responsibility” Prize so you don’t have to be nervous about missing out on a nomination.  Our suggestion is, if you’re going to put alcohol in a machine at a grocery store, we suggest those CLAW machines so that, if I don’t get my wine, I might be happy with the Van Halen poster, RUN DMC pillow  or stuffed Toy Story Alien doll, Ya Jagoffs!