Holiday Jagoffs

That One Random Christmas Ornament


Back in December or January, you did your damndest to get all of the Christmas Holiday decorations put away. Before you packed the box of stuff in the basement under the steps, in the attic or in the cubbyhole in the garage, you did a double and triple and maybe even a quadruple check of the premises to make sure you had everything packed away.

Part of the reason is because, the Christmas decorations container is like a crock pot…once the lid is on, it does not come off until just the right time.  Besides, you don’t want to give those secret evil elves access to get in to the box and tangle up those Christmas light wires.

So there ya are…getting ready to open the windows…put the screens in.. get ready for the spring and summer and BOOM!  That one @#$@@!* decoration is lurking in a corner of a shelf.  Did that thing escape from the box or did someone actually forget it?  Even more, do you choose to throw it away, tuck it in a junk drawer or do you dig out the Christmas decorations box and put the thing away?

All that I know is that, when I lose my ATM card, I go for 3-4 days without saying anything because I don’t want to admit that it is missing.. I know it will turn up. And, do you know when it turns up?  Within 2-3 minutes of me admitting to someone that I have lost my ATM card!

Same thing with this damned Christmas ornaments!  “Are you SURE you got all of the ornaments in the box?”  My response: “Yes, OF COURSE! What? Do I look like some kind of idiot?”

And damned if that person who asked the question isn’t the one who finds that random ornament that missed the pack-up!!!

Hey random Christmas ornament, I’m not sure who you’re trying to show off for or trying to show up but, this is MY turf!!  I guarantee, next Christmas, you’re getting a spot outside on the porch where you’ll freeze and rust and you will be hollering at me to rescue you and pack you away in that box, Ya Jagoff!


It’s MLK Day- Get Free Shipping! (Huh?)

Today we honor Dr. Martin Luther, Jr – a man strong in mind, heart and soul.   And how do some retailers do it?  FREE SHIPPING SITE WIDE!!!  The good Dr. King.. how could he NOT be proud!

What will you do today?  Will you sleep in?  Will you head to the local mall or electronics store for a sale?  Will you head to Seven Springs for a long weekend of skiing (just like Dr. King would have) and imbibing at the Foggy Goggle or will you head to some place like the library to learn more, or teach your kids more, about WHY we honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. today?

Sure, you’ll be TEMPTED to relax today and catchup on DVR’d programs and DIY home projects.   If it’s above 40 degrees, a lot of you will spend 90-minutes in a car wash line to get the road salt residue off.

At least take a few minutes to talk about Dr. King and remember, this is NOT just a day to go get a discount on a new car, cheap linens at Sears, half off  a new washer/dryer, sleep in, do work on the house or get drunk.  (You’ve heard us say this before about Memorial Day.)

And for those of you NOT doing anything to reinforce WHY most of us have the day off today, for CRISSAKES, let’s at least say the whole name.  It’s not MLK Day, it’s Martin Luther King, Jr Day.  Yes!  It’s even more important than your daily Consol – (con-SAWL or CON-soool) argument.

If you’re spending your day off at the mall, tallying up discounts and making fun of someone different than you, you’re missing the whole reason behind why you have today off, Ya Jagoffs!

sears martin luther king jr sale

(This is the spot where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed April 4, 1968.  The small square of concrete still contains the blood stains.)

Easter Jagoff – Pysanky Philanderer


Is there not a Holiday that goes by that doesn’t have some Jagoffery associated with it?

Check out this story from the TribLive website.

A summary of the story:

Guy and lady dying Easter eggs.

(You can just picture it… just like the scene from the movie “Ghost.”  The two of them hovered around their Steelers, Pirates and Penguins mugs filled with those goofy little pellets and smelly vinegar.)

Lady ALLEGEDLY accuses egg-dying partner of cheating on her.

(I guess that makes him mad because, well, obviously she’s not concentrating on how to get the deepest blue on her egg or how to use that silly wire-egg-holder-thingy to get a perfect two-color egg.)

I’m also kind of anxious as to how this came up.

(I wonder if he used the invisible secret crayon and wrote his other girly’s name on it and accidentally left the egg in the blue dye too long and she fished it out with the silly wire-egg-holder-thingy and BOOM!.. there it was!  “Who in theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee @#$#@% is GiGi?”)

Guy ALLEGEDLY became agitated and began hurling the eggs at his egg-dying partner.

(As long ago as I can think of, we always died what seemed to be 5-tons of hard-boiled eggs.  I have no idea who ever ate all of those things but something tells me most of them were left over and used in the that year’s official first picnic, Memorial Day, for potato salad! So, while the eggs probably hurt, really, there were probably too many of them anyway.)

Guy ALLEGEDLY locks himself into room by blocking the door with an exercise machine.

(I wonder if his had just as many clothes hanging on it as mine does. If so, he could have lived in there for 3-4 weeks and had a new outfit for every day.)

Police finally get to the guy. He’s now in jail awaiting arraignment.

(More than likely, his girlfriend and his girlfriend missed him at the Noon Easter mass and the blessing of the baskets.  But then again, there probably weren’t many eggs to bless and he doesn’t seem to be a chocolate crucifix kind of guy.)

(I am sooooooooooo tempted to end this with a stupid, “The Yoke’s on YOU!” joke but I’m not gonna.)

Hey Philandering-Pysanky-Pete….if my mom would have been there, you would have been in even more trouble for wasting the eggs then you were for cheating on your girlfriend.  As she was pulling the short hairs on the back of your neck, she would have said, “It’s all fun ’til someone loses and eye,” Ya Jagoff!