Cycling Jagoffs

The Rush Hour Cycling “Gang”



It’s been a looooooooooooong day at work.  You can’t wait to get home.  And you know that there will be some jags in your way… bulldozers, buses, overloaded trucks… but a bunch of cyclers?  Below is the tweet that accompanied this photo:

Really, the whole lane during rush hour! Nothing like driving home at >20 mph on the way home!

Yes!  We know the whole idea of “share the road” with the cyclers.   And, (just as most people preface inflammatory  comments that they are about to make) SOME OF OUR BEST FRIENDS RIDE BICYCLES.  But really?  Bunching up and holding traffic back (not just at the stop light)?

Hope that YOUR hearts and blood vessels feel good doing this because, just so ya know, driving behind your group has been cited by BOTH of our Jagoff cardiologist buddies as causing the same amount of stress on MY heart as sprinting up Sycamore Street with 2 bags of groceries, a gallon of milk and a 5 lb bag of kitty litter.

And by the way.. notice we APPROPRIATELY called yinz all CYCLERS and not BIKERS (riding motorcycles).

To be 100% truthful, if you were a group of tattooed, sleeveless, denim-vested, over-sized, unhelmeted BIKERS, we would have been too afraid to take say ANYTHING!  But since you’re skinny, little, no-hair-on-you-arms-and-legs CYCLERS, we’re saying.. get outta the way… you’re in between me a cold beer and 4 slices of pepperoni pizza, Ya Jagoffs!


Thanks to @biggdeck on Twitter for the pic and for being our honorary Jagoff Catcher!

The Swerving Red Solo Truck Jagoff

Back in September, we made a post about problems with drivers and cyclists.  And like we said then about this topic,

 Lots of jagoffery blame to go around.. cyclists with boxes piled up on their handle bars riding dangerously thru downtown, car and truck drivers who have no idea how to stay in between the double yellow line and the solid white line as they go around a sharp curve… etc, etc.

Yesterday WPXI, KDKA and the “News Paper Whose Name Is Now Banned By Us,” ran a story about Nick Drombosky who, as witnesses substantiated, was deliberately run off the road by a red pick-up truck after Nick  held his hand out to suggest what should be his cycling space.  WHAT?

Hard to believe the hardcore-ness of that. Secondly, it’s hard to believe the ABSOLUTE STOOOOOOOOOOPIDITY of doing that in this current day of smart phone cameras, surveillance cameras on every corner and cameras on ATMs that seem to take satellite quality pictures of a pimple a half block away.

Now we don’t know the full story BUT here is what we DO know…..Nick owns a company, Fiks:Reflective Gear, that makes bike safety apparel.   The bad news is it does NOT appear that Nick had on OUR new invention, The 4-Footer cycle pants.  As a quick aside, our 4-Footer cycle pants are made of standard, skin-hugging, moisture resistant, sometimes-offensive-on-SOME-people cycling pants material and have a factory-attached 4-foot arm that extends from the buttocks area.  They were specifically designed after the Pittsburgh 4-foot cycle law to help the “measurement challenged.”  Great for cycling safety but horrible for an emergency trip into a porta-john.

On the other hand, it sounds pretty clear that, the guy in the red pickup truck, was hell bent on ruining Nick’s bike ride no matter WHAT he was wearing. So far the truck driver has not yet been caught.

Hey “Red-Solo-Truck” driver, its clear that you are still harboring ill feelings from when you were a kid and all the other kids were allowed to ride their  Huffy, banana-seat bikes with sissy bars and baseball cards taped to the back spokes to fake an engine noise AFTER the street lights came on while YOU had to PARK your hand-me-down Barbie bike with the basket on the front, a silly thumb bell and sparkly handle bar streamers and go WORSH your face when the street lights came on!  That red truck is PROBABLY a hand-me-down from your big brother too!

We’re not sure how long it is going to take to catch you but…. Red Solo truck, when they pick you up (like how we did that there), we’re going to recommend that  part of your punishment includes placing you on the sidewalk out front of the “Over The Bar Cycle Cafe,” on your back, nude, spread eagle, with your ankles in the air for an entire week while letting the cyclists use your crotch as a pull-in cycle rack.

Maybe THEN you’ll learn some consideration for cyclists, Ya Jagoff!!!!

Thanks to Jun Zuniga for sending us this story and being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher today.


Pre-order one of these in time for Christmas. 

They will be on our store and pre-orders will be taken in order to ship in time for Christmas!!!

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The Cyclist Rule…..4 Feet

We know this post is gonna create some consternation and possibly even some constipation.

With the price of gas and whatever else you want to blame it on, cycling around the town is becoming more and more common.  But some people seem to have a problem with it.

In all honesty, a week before we posted this, we came head-to-head with a Jagoff cyclist riding radically opposite the traffic, one-handed, while talking on a cell phone.  Unfortunately, no photo since we would have probably scrunched him under our tire while trying to get the phone camera ready.

But, lately, the cyclists have come under attack.  A couple have died.  One guy got threatened and stabbed due to a road rage incident yet to be resolved and then we got THIS email:

Today (September 19th) at around 10:30AM I had an encounter with a black vehicle (sedan) that looked like an airport limo or similar near the corner of Swinburne and Dawson Street going up Dawson towards the Blvd of the Allies while I was cycling into Central Oakland. PA disabled plate XXXXX, there were two older males and one threatened ”I’ll f—-g run you over.”

Has Pittsburgh really become this intolerant of the two-wheeled vehicles? Or do we not understand what the 4-feet  of buffer space rule is?

Well, it doesn’t matter.  Lots of jagoffery blame to go around.. cyclists with boxes piled up on their handle bars riding dangerously thru downtown, car and truck drivers who have no idea how to stay in between the double yellow line and the solid white line as they go around a sharp curve… etc, etc.

To keep everyone legal, we created something.  It’s a 4-foot plastic sign that attaches to the cyclists seat and sticks out (pictured above.)  We have a few calls into Dick’s Sporting Goods to see if we can get these 4-foot appendages sewn into the seats of those sexy bike pants!  (For some reason we haven’t received a return phone call!)

To the cyclists that have no idea how to ride on the street, please load your cycle on to those racks on the front of the Port Authority buses and enjoy the ride or take a road riding class.

To the drivers that have no idea how to judge their car when it’s sitting still in a parking spot, let alone when they are competing for road space with a bicycle, please look for our OTHER new invention, a 4-foot side view mirror.  It will help with your space judgement as you’re driving, but it’s gonna be HELL pulling into your garage at home.

And to all.. could you get the phone outta yer ear, get the dog off your lap, turn the radio down, put the make-up down, use a turn or hand signal, take the boxes off of your handle bars, quit cutting in and out of traffic, stop driving with your knees while you floss your teeth, get your head outta yer arse and pay attention to what you’re doing you’re ON THE ROAD.

And to the dudes in the black sedan, (license plate not detailed due to story being 100% verified) a little anger mangement might be nice, but in the meantime, we challenge you to contact us for a show-down at the Kennywood bumper cars.  And, by the way, ya might wanna put your chiropractors on speed dial, Ya Jagoffs!!

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