Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
What a lousy week. The temperatures that were in the sixties a week ago have fallen into the thirties, not to mention that white stuff flying around. The Steelers lost to the hated New England Patriots. If these weren’t bad enough, we welcomed a new President that introduced us to “Alternative Facts.”
These are just some of the things that put me in a foul mood this week. The problem is I promised my wife I would have a more positive outlook in 2017. I had to find something positive and there it was. McDonald’s was giving away free bottles of Big Mac Sauce…Yeah, I know it’s reaching, give me a break.
Was it better for the Steelers to get spanked like that? Would it have been better to lose a heartbreaker by a few points in the final seconds? The way they lost was no big mystery. Game was over in the third quarter. Kind of like, just yanking the Band-Aid right off.
Ok, I got off the subject. Was there a demand for Big Mac sauce? Did people have the desire to make their own, home version? What’s a Big Mac cost? A buck and a half, two bucks? It seems like it would be more expensive to buy the other ingredients, even if the sauce is free. That’s the thing, nothing is ever free. They have to be up to something.
So, they have the inauguration and the crowd is smaller than they were for the previous president. Then, the new guy takes the photo of the crowd from the former president’s inauguration, hangs it on the wall and says that’s his crowd.
Then… it just keeps getting weirder…despite the fact that he is in fact the President…You saw him get sworn in, didn’t you? It was on TV and in all the papers. Anyway, apparently he’s upset that she got 3 million more votes than him. So, he started telling a story that between 3 and 5 million people voted illegally. Somehow he knows they all voted for her. This is why she had more votes.
Now, he’s going to launch an investigation into these illegal voters. There was no evidence. It’s a story that exists only in his head. So he’s going to use our tax dollars to investigate a story that he made up. Are you OK with this? It seems to me that our new president might be…how can I say this delicately…HE’S INSANE!
Again I’m off the subject. So if we’re not making Big Mac’s at home, what are we doing with the sauce? I guess you could put it on salad. That makes sense since it’s basically Thousand Island dressing anyway. People will start putting it on everything. Big Mac sauce on Nacho’s and hot dogs. Eventually, you’ll just be drinking it straight out of the bottle, and that’s when they have you.
Maybe the new president should go away for a while. They can tell him that he’s in danger and needs to go to the “Alternative White House.” There he can get the treatment and medication that he so desperately needs. They can give him blocks and let him build walls all day and then give him the kind of encouragement that his massive ego requires.
“That’s a good wall Mr. President. No Mexican rapist is going to get through your wall. What a good president. I think he needs a cookie.”
There I go again, sorry. So I think I have this whole free sauce thing figured out. They get us hooked and then take it away. What happens then, when you need your fix? You’ll find yourself standing next to some clown on a street corner in the middle of the night. At that point you’ll pay whatever price the clown is charging, because you need that sauce. No, nothing is free in this world.
Well, hope you enjoy my new positive outlook. OK, let’s call it an “Alternative” positive outlook.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841