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Thieves Steal All But One Christmas Decoration


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“New Kensington residents Jeremy and Amy-Beth Shurina …had two of their Christmas decorations stolen from their Campbell Avenue front yard early Monday morning (last week).”

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About the same time that the Shurina’s two-foot-plastic Christmas Elmo and Christmas Snoopy went missing, a bunch of other Christmas decorations in the neighborhood were vandalized too.  So the Shurinas decided to mock the perpetrators.

Let’s divert for a minute.

Everyone knows the jokes about how we all NICELY wrap up our Christmas lights and their cords each year.  We take them off of the trees, the hedges, the mailbox, the yard meticulously.  But some kind of crazy transformation happens inside that box of decorations and electrical cords over the next 11 months before the NEXT Christmas and ties them all into knots – maybe even knits a pair of booties or shawl out of ‘em.

I don’t know about you but, if I go through that painful annual process of swearing, yanking, pulling, throwing and un-crocheting my Christmas light cords to put up my Christmas decorations, then someone steals or ruins my stuff, someone’s getting more than a sign mocking their efforts as punishment!

Knocking down a kid’s snowman is one thing but, stealing my Christmas decorations after it took me 4-hours just to untangle the mess, should be punishable by being placed in a Baltimore Ravens shirt in the middle of a Steeler’s Tailgate Party and having someone point to the Ravens shirt and yell, “This guy just said he would give $100 cash to the first person that THINKS they can whoop is ARSE!

So kudos to the Shurina’s for having the patience to have fun with this.  Maybe they also have the patience of Jobe each year to properly put away their Christmas decorations so that it doesn’t actually take them 4 hours to un-crochet their electrical cords the following year.

In the meantime to the, CDSJs (that’s an official Jagoff  Crime Lab Headquarters investigative acronym for Christmas Decoration Stealing Jagoffs) if you get caught, I hope you don’t go to jail or juvenile detention.

I hope that everyone of those neighbors get to take their turns banging your knees, elbows and ankles, with Christmas Cookie rolling pins, for an amount of time equal to the time each neighbor spent putting up their decorations.  And then, before you are taken to get X-rays, you actually have to stand on your feet and untangle all of MY Christmas lights, in your bruised conditions….just to help you realize how hard someone actually works on these decorations so that they can enjoy them with their families, Ya Jagoffs!







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