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The Rambling 3-minute and 45-second Voice Mail Jagoff


I have the best friends that anyone could ever have.  Including my dear friend, let’s call him Richard (real name, Richard).  I love the guy.  A heart of gold and a mind as sharp as a Sidney Crosby skate.  He still carries a flip phone and, God bless him, because he regularly uses the text message function on it despite having to toil through the phone buttons to scroll through the alphabet.

If you call Richard and he is in a situation where he cannot talk or has to hang up in an emergency, it takes him 5-7 minutes to explain WHY he has to hang up for the emergency as well as apologize.  And you’re on the other side of the phone thinking…”I’m ok.. if you have to go… g…go….go ahead an go… no seri…I mean.. seriou….seriously…Richard..hello…go ahead, hang up.. I’ll talk to you later.”

Well, Richard recently had some surgery.. nothing serious.. so it’s OK to pick on him.   The other day he called me and left a 3-minute and 45-second rambling voice mail that had more subjects than a combined Masters in Aerospace Technology/Entire History of World Law Degree course from an Ivy League university.

Snippets of the voice mail message below.  In ( ) are my thoughts as I was hearing each portion.  I was going to do a diagram it but it started to look like someone trying to navigate their way through the recent Parkway West Outbound construction detour so I gave up on that.

Hi John (that was a good start)

I have good news.. I’ve had extreme swelling in my (oh, God.. take this off speaker phone!)

I’ve spent the entire day in between doctors….. I don’t have a blood clot (Yes… that IS good news)

I’d like to buy you breakfast.. (hmmm… Ok..I’m listening again)

But I also wanted to tell you… (Wait… what happened to the breakfast details???)

My son wants to come to town to help out my wife while I’m recovering.. (Do I have to wait for your son to come to town to go to breakfast? What happened to the breakfast details???)

Some time, ago, about two years ago …(how are we getting to ANYTHING about two years ago??)

I’m gonna make some phone calls to see which weeks would be good for my son to town…  (wow…not even a certified actuarial wants THIS kind of detail especially if I’m thinking about a breakfast invite at this point)

So then I am going to call my son back  (Dude!  If this message goes any longer we’re gonna have to consider LUNCH cuz breakfast will be over!)

So get back to me and let me know you’re availability for breakfast… ( OK.. we’re back to the topic at hand!)

Now I also want to have my son, when he comes to town go see…. (How did we get lost off of breakfast again???)

Long, call me, but only call me at your convenience …(I’m hungry.. but I’m almost afraid to call back because I’m afraid I’ll have to hear this entire story again before we talk about where we’re gonna get breakfast! It might just be easier for me to toast a PopTart at this point!)

Richards, the good news on MY end is, I was having problems falling asleep last night so I pressed play on the voice mail.  I was asleep before it played through!  I’m now going to sell your message to parents of babies with colic!   I’ll cut ya in on the profits.

Richard… I love ya.. and speedy recovery but, one tip from your buddy John: Don’t try to leave voice messages when you’re all hopped up heavy muscle relaxers and pain killers, Ya Jagoff!


Disclosure:  Richard called the day after this message and suggested that his rambling voice mail was probably worthy of a blog post here!