Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
Well it’s the final day of 2016 as we put another year behind us. I’m noticing that each year seems to go by faster. They never start out that way. The brutal cold, snowy months of January and February seem to last about ten and a half months. Then spring, summer, fall and Christmas fly by in six weeks.
Since it’s the end of the year, everybody is coming out with their yearend lists. I thought I would come up with one of my own. Things that aggravated me this past year.
One of the things that really aggravate me are yearend lists. I think I’ve already seen about fifteen lists of the people that we lost this year. Do we need that many? I admit, there seemed to be an abundance of icons who passed away this year. David Bowie, Prince, Muhammad Ali and quite a few others. The thing is, every list is the same. We only need one.
Of course when you see those lists, there are always names that surprise you. That’s because you think they were on the list a long time ago. Zsa Zsa Gabor passed away a few weeks back at the age of 99. I heard this conversation between two women at the mall.
“Did you hear Zsa Zsa Gabor died?”
“Oh, really. What did she die from?”
I couldn’t resist,
“They’re saying it was a jet-ski accident.”
Another thing that aggravates me are the special people. I call them that because the rules don’t apply to them. You know who they are. They’re the ones that pull out right in front of you when you’re driving. They know you won’t mind, because they’re special. They also know you won’t mind if they go ten miles under the speed limit while they are texting.
They’re the guy in front of me in the self-checkout line at Giant Eagle last week. I was waiting behind him in the fifteen items or fewer lane. He had thirty-seven items. I know, because I had time to count. The other express checkout was held up by a confused couple.
It’s kind of hard to explain what they were doing. They would try to scan an item, then they would try to pay, then they would stand around with blank looks on their face for a while. I don’t know if they thought you had to pay for each item as you went…it’s hard to explain what I was witnessing.
They may have been from Michigan. The man was wearing a Michigan jacket. I don’t think he went to school there because he certainly didn’t come across as somebody with an education. The help light was blinking, the girl that helps came over at least three times…meanwhile Mr. Special was only up to item twenty-two and I’m trying not to do something that will get me arrested.
Maybe I should make “being more patient,” one of my New Year’s resolutions. Only problem is, resolutions are one of the things that aggravate me.
Ok, I know you guys have a lot of drinking to do tonight. Then you can start the New Year off feeling horrible with the worst hangover you had since last New Year’s. The year can only get better after that.
So the last aggravating thing on my list are the people that keep telling me,
“They say we are going to have a really bad winter.”
“Yeah, who are “THEY” and…shut up!”
It’s January, it always sucks. So does February. It’s the slowest part of the year. I just look forward to those last six weeks that fly right by.
Happy New Year!
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841