Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
by Comedian John Knight
I was flying back from warm, sunny Cozumel to the cold and snow of Pittsburgh the other day. Like most people I was in a hurry to get back because this winter weather isn’t going to last forever and I’ll miss it when it’s gone…Yes, that was sarcasm.
After clearing customs in Miami, I was in line at security for the second time that day. In Mexico they had gone thoroughly through my bags, wrinkling and man handling my clothes and then confiscating my cigar cutter. Luckily I was able to purchase another one at the Duty Free store before I boarded the plane. Seems like a racket, doesn’t it?
Anyway, back in Miami I was looking for the TSA precheck line. When I didn’t see it, I attempted to find somebody that spoke English to help. By the way, it’s easier to find someone that speaks English in Cozumel than it is in Miami. I looked at a female TSA agent,
“Is there no TSA precheck line?”
She shook her head no in a way that said it was silly of me to think that. You know, just because I paid one hundred dollars and took the time to be interviewed and fingerprinted, why would an airport in a major city provide that service?
It occurred to me that I need a job that provides me with my own airplane. One is opening up at the end of the year and a lot of people are trying to get it. I know wanting your own airplane is a selfish reason to want to be President, but don’t the rest of these people have selfish reasons?
I began to size up my competition.
Hillary? She’s been at this game too long and there’s too much dirty money behind her. That’s all that needs to be said.
Bernie? He’s going to give away a lot of things for free like college education. How? By having corporations and billionaires pay their rightful share of taxes. Yeah, good luck with that. Getting the people who actually run the country to pay. These guys don’t want you to be educated. You might actually see what they are getting away with.
Jeb? The younger, dumber brother of W. That’s all that needs to be said.
Marco Rubio? I use both names because most people don’t know who he is. This guy makes Jeb look like Stephen Hawking. That’s all that needs to be said.
Ted Cruz? If you were having a party and one of your invited guests asked if they could bring him along, would you hide the jewelry and valuables?
Trump? The front runner. Poor Donald, now he has that bully, the Pope going after him, questioning his Christianity. I mean who’s more Christian than Trump? O.K., pretty much everybody except Satan and that’s too close to call.
Trump is going to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out of the country. He’s even going to have Mexico help to pay for and build it. I asked about this when I was down there. Most of the Mexican people felt that even if they were going to help build, it would be hard to find contractors. That’s because most of them would be too busy building tunnels under the wall.
The key to this election seems to be making insane promises you have no way of keeping. That’s why I’m going to do away with the cold and snow. Except for ski resorts. Those places can have snow for people who want to ski.
Also, each person will receive one thousand dollars a month. I was going to make it higher but I’m trying to make it somewhat believable. How am I going to do these things? I have a plan and I will show it to you once I’m elected. Do you see how this works?
There you have it. I’m tired of flying commercial and want my own airplane. So, vote for me because you really can’t do any worse.
“I’m John Knight and I approve this message.”
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841