Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
Well, winter finally showed up with a vengeance this week as we approach spring. Hopefully it isn’t too cold today for you to take down your St. Patrick’s Day lights. I mean, it’s great if your Irish and proud, but couldn’t you just hang a shamrock on your door? Why do people have to put up lights for every holiday?
This week also was the start of the NCAA basketball tournaments, as well as the week we found out that our appliances are spying on us. If you live in a cave or quit paying attention to the news because you believe it’s all fake, I will catch you up to date.
It all started a few weeks back when Donald Trump was able to read off a teleprompter for an hour. Afterwards everyone in the fake news was gushing about how Presidential he looked. Probably because he showed that he was able to read and pronounce words that were more than one syllable. Some declared, this would be the night that changed everything…Eh, not so fast.
A few days later, as he was preparing to go on what I believe was his ninth vacation since taking office on January 20, he went on one of his tweeting rampages. This time he claimed that former President Obama had wiretapped his phones. I should mention he had no evidence. Then, he went off on how bad Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings are on the Apprentice. You know, because reality TV ratings are where you want the leader of the free world to put his focus.
So, this week the White House staff had to go out and somehow defend their boss’s unsubstantiated claims. This is when White House spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway said that we can all be surveilled by,
“Microwaves that turn into cameras.”
Let me remind you again, this wasn’t said by a guest on “Jerry Springer” or even “Dr. Phil.” This was said by White House spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway. So, it must be true. Our microwave ovens, turn into cameras and spy on us. We don’t use our microwave that often and it’s kind of old and not that big. When they spy on us, it’s probably in black and white. I should probably look into getting a High Def, big screen microwave but, there are other things we need.
Next, it was White House press secretary Sean Spicer’s turn to defend his boss. In the original tweets, Trump accused Obama of wiretapping his phones at Trump Tower and calling him a bad or sick guy. Sean Spicer said that when the President said wiretapping, he didn’t really mean wiretapping because he used the word wiretapping in quotes…Wait a second, what?
Let me see if I can explain what Sean Spicer is trying to say here. What happened was Obama was visiting Trump Tower. There was some music playing. Obama began to keep rhythm by tapping on what I’m guessing were some wires. He must have been pretty good at it because the only way to describe it is,
“Man, that dude was bad tapping on those wires. You should’ve seen it, it was sick!”
So, I hope I was able to clear up what President Trump was actually trying to say. I think I did a better job than Sean Spicer. Maybe I can replace him when that job opens up. Should be any day now. Either that or I can run away and join the circus. Pretty much the same thing.
Ok, I have to go now. My toaster is ringing and I have to answer it.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841