Community Leaders

May 4 2012

Pittsburgh’s “Missing Chain Saw” Massacre

If you haven’t heard this story yet, it’s one of those “government done somebody wrong song” stories. On top of that, the boldness of the guy involved, Matthew Hogue, is incredible.

You can see the report from KDKA’s Andy Sheehan here, but basically, Matthew, City Councilman Kraus’ “constituent services coordinator” purchased $10,000 worth of chainsaws with, of course, City money. A couple of days later, Matty reports the chain saws stolen.

Wow.. we have lots of questions including:

A City Councilman has a staff member called a “constituent services coordinator” that hands out stuff to people? Really?? Is his real name Santa??

The $10,000, in this case, comes from some sort of local version of “walk around money?” Yes, his real name MUST be Santa!

If you steal $10,000 worth of chainsaws while a bear is s@#$ting in the woods and no-one is there to watch them, does the bear still make a sound when he’s s@#$ting and were the chain saws REALLY there if nobody was there to see the trees fall?

Oh Lord!!! Something says there are some friends of Matty’s aka “City Santa” that recently were sold some discounted chain saws who are going to be s@#$ting themselves whether they are in the woods or not when the police come knocking!!

FYI, Andy Sheehan’s not the ONLY big dog investigator in this town. We put our top Jagoff Reporters on this and they found the REAL story: It sees that Matt was secretly starting his own “chainsaw drill team!” His plan along was to have the team perform at local parades and street fairs for an honorarium. The money collected would then be utilized to decrease the City’s debt!!!

Unfortunately now that the chainsaws have been stolen, we need a fundraiser to replace the equipment!!! Those dog-gone burglars should be ashamed of themselves!!!!

Marty aka “Santa,” we say let’s get the drill team some new saws AND uniforms this time. (Of course we suggest some of our Don’t Be a Jagoff t-shirts).

Because of your community spirit, we thought we would honor you with a Draw Something rendering. A guy with your integrity and honesty SHOULD be “honored.”

In the meantime, have fun s@#$ting YOURSELF while law enforcement folks find your buddies and cousins that have new chainsaws cuz this ”Santa on City Dollars” deal is about to come to a screeching halt, Ya Jagoff!!!

 

Hey, it’s almost BEACH TIME.. Myrtle, Outerbanks, Jersey Shore.. don’t forget a beach chair that CLEARLY states you’re from Pittsburgh and that this is

YOUR SEAT!!! 

Click the pick to get to the ordering page.

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders, News People Jagoffs, Political Jagoffs • 2 • Tags: , , , ,

Apr 10 2012

PAT’s Union Leader, Pat, A Sneaky Little Cat!

If it wasn’t for someone emailing us last night, this would have just passed us right by.

What  kind of public figure, especially a walking powder keg like Transit Union Leader Pat McMahon, distributes information of their retirement to the press on a Saturday (vs. a normal news day), especially a Saturday when the news if is FLOODED with information about ongoing Pitt bomb threats, and the Pirates are playing .500 ball (after 2 games but still big news) and the Penguins are playing the FILTHY FLYERS in the last game of the season where there’s a Battle Royale fight expected?  We’ll tell ya who… someone who’s trying to sneak away!!

Here’s the link to the Trib’s version of the story .

Of course, he notes in the article that he submitted his retirement paperwork a year ago, but, a guy like him, why such a quiet exit?

And here’s quote from Mr. McMahon that outlines EXACTLY how he thinks:

“Right now, I’m having some second thoughts (about retiring). There’s a feeling  that I’m bailing out. But if you wait until all the fights are over, you ain’t  never going to be leaving,”

The “Fights!”  Yeah, THAT’S what union leading is about for him, FIGHTS!

Patty-potty-mouth, we believe, you’d probably be  pretty fun guy to have a few beers with.  Also guessing you’re probably one of those guys who we WANT to be our friend because you would defend us LOYALLY to the death, no matter how big of Jagoffs we might be.

On the other hand, other than Stevey Bland-Personality, we can’t think of anyone else who’s more responsible for poor bus service provided to this community.  Yessssss… we understand your role as a union leader is to rep your rank and file.  But, the qualities of a TRUE leader are knowing when to throw the scallywags overboard (vs. defending them) and a true leader only uses FIGHTING as a last resort!!

In the time it took us to write this,  we got the low-low-down on where you are actually headed.  We confirmed that you and Ken Melani are going into a human resources “best practices” consulting firm.. featuring “Dr. Ken’s Top Tips On Punching Your Way Out Of Relationships In the Work Place” and your “WWE Anti-Bullying While Whacking Someone In The Head With A Chair” policies.

Good luck in retirement, Ya Jagoff!!!

A big shout-out to Tom, for emailing us this info and who is now, our Honorary Jagoff Catcher!

See our previous post about Patty-cake McMahon HERE.

Last summer you helped us win one of CBS-Pittsburgh’s Best Blogger Awards. 

Pittsburgh Magazine now has a poll.  We would appreciate your vote, click below to get to the ballot.

VOTE HERE

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders • 0 • Tags: ,

Mar 26 2012

The Dead Horse Has Left The Station

 

How many jokes have been done about the 4-year long, Port Authority’s $523.4 million, 1.2 mile light-rail extension North Shore Connection project?

Given that the connector, now called TPlus, is finally up and running, we thought we would give it one last shot!  We chose the WTAE-TV version of the story since  they interviewed one of the happy drivers who is soooooo excited that he’s a Steelers Fan and he gets to see Heinz Field every time his vehicle comes up out of the tunnel on the North Shore. (See WTAE video here…You have to see this guy.) By the way, funny how all of the reporters who were beating up on this punch-bag-of-a-news-story for 4 years and now they can’t wait to take a ride!

Back to the happy driver, in one 8-hour shift, how many trips of hauling drunk sports fans and seeing drunk concert goers peeing on the side of his machine, as he pulls up to the deck, will it take before he doesn’t give two beans about seeing Heinz Field??  And isn’t this how Pittsburgh’s own Michael Keaton started… driving the “Neighborhood of Make Believe” Trolley for Mr. Rogers at WQED?  Do you think Mr. Happy Driver is sooo happy because he thinks HIS bumper-trolley driving is going to lead HIM to a Batman role in 10 years?

In the meantime, we find some unique similarities between the new TPlus and The Mr. Rogers Trolley.

Comparing the to pics above, the routes look awkwardly similar–about the same length.

The Mr. Rogers’ trolley traveled to the Neighborhood of Make Believe and the new TPlus takes people to the Casino-of-make-believe.

Do you think the little whislte, that road in the front of the Mr. Rogers Trolley, would get all excited at the site of Heinz Field and “toot-toot” every time just like it did when it passed King Friday’s Castle?

Soooooo, we are REALLY looking forward to the “mortgage burning party” that occurs when enough passengers ride this thing, at $2.25 per person, to pay off the $523.4 million.  In the meantime, we’re a little confused, cuz, the North Shore parking lots have lowered their parking rates on weekdays to help downtown workers save money by parking in their lots and taking the connector the final 1.2 miles to downtown.  But we also know that these are the same parking lots that raise their prices for every sporting event and concert……so does THAT mean that the downtown lots will lower THEIR rates so that, for these events, people can park downtown cheaply and go to the stadi-i (our own plural version of stadium) on the North Shore?

One thing we DO know, the new North Shore Connector does NOT give our fair city a way to create another unique ”(Insert Name Here) Memorial Run” event  because the entire length of the 4-year long, $523.4 million North Shore Connector, out and back, doesn’t even equal 5K, Ya Jagoffs!!!

 

Vote Now!!!  Pittsburgh Magazine Poll – Favorite Blogger!!

Last summer you helped us win one of CBS-Pittsburgh’s Best Blogger Awards. 

Pittsburgh Magazine now has a poll.  We would appreciate your vote, click below to get to the ballot.

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders, Port Authority • 3 • Tags: , , ,

Dec 7 2011

If We Cut Service And Charge More – “They Will Come.” What?

 

Over the weekend, the Post Office announced they are still bleeding, financially, and that they were going to have to cut back on service including the fact that a First Class stamp may not get the standard First Class service anymore.  So we might not get ”speedy delivery” DESPITE the fact that we are paying more for it than we ever have.

A week or two ago, the Port Authority of Allegheny County announced that they are still losing money and that they may have to cut service again DESPITE the fact that the current bus rides are some of the most unreasonable prices you can find for a 4-mile inconvenient ride.  But for some reason they cannot understand why ridership is down.

We are currently working on the following rumor regarding the Post Office:

You may have to walk your mail to the mailbox closest to the recipient’s location and and then pay a “mailbox opening” fee to put the letter in on top of the postage fee.

An ongoing rumor at the Port Authority that we are working to verify is:

You may have to catch a bus on Tuesday at 9:30am in Coraopolis to get to start your job at Children’s Hospital at 7pm on Wednesday.

But what’s a little inconvenience, right?  It’s a great way to catch some “Quotes On The Bus!”

So where have we heard THIS business case study before, “We may offer a horrible product but we’re gonna have to charge you more for it?”  (C’mon, think hard!)

Did you guess the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Hey Post Office and Port Authority, maybe you should ask yourselves, “What would Wal-Mart do?”  Or even more locally, “What Would UPMC do?”

We know what BOTH would do.  They would cut costs buy bullying every supplier selling stuff to them: “We will not pay what you want us to pay for your product or service.  We’re in control here and if you want to do business with us we will pay you something close to 10-cents on a dollar.”  Hey, you can’t argue with the tactics, they’re making money!!!!

Are there any administrators at the Post Office and Port Authority who passed 6th grade math?

Hey Stevie Bland and Patty-Cake Dohue, as the administrators of these two organizations you guys need a little lesson in 4th grade made… drawing bunches of apples and doing “take-aways.”

Here’s the KEY business point, if you continue to take away the service and keep increasing your prices, you eventually end up out of business and broke, unless you’re a couple of free-riddin’ government administrators, Ya Jagoffs!

 

Our final Guest Blog post is tommorrow – from the authors of www.HighHeelsandHockey.com

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders, Port Authority • 0 • Tags: , , ,

Oct 11 2011

Over The River And Through The Woods To Steal A Bridge We Go!

Click Pic To Watch The Video (It’s worth it.)

This story causes us to pose the rhetorical question, “If a bridge gets stolen in the middle of the woods, AND NOBODY HEARS IT GETTING STOLEN, is it STILL stolen?

This story came up on the radar Friday.  Too late for publishing on our blog since we use the “Antiquated Catholic Grade School Mimeograph” APP to publish our blog and it takes us a while turn stories around! (The mimeograph machine APP is handy, but we still miss the SMELL of the ink of the REAL THING!)

In case you are unaware, some thieves found a 20-foot wide by 50-foot long bridge made of steel beams and corrugated steel in the woods of Lawrence County.  Then they stole it by cutting the bridge into small pieces with torches and tools.  (This seems a little more difficult than stealing a whole Gullifty’s chocolate cake one piece at at time.)

Seriously, how remote was this bridge that not a soul heard or saw ANYTHING for the entire time that it took these bridge-burglars to cut, drag, cut some more, drag, lift pieces into a truck and haul away a bridge that is “hundreds of pounds per foot” according to the WTAE-TV report!!

This begs the second and third questions simultaneously – “If nobody heard it happen, then how did anyone know to report it missing?” along with “If the bridge is SOOOO remote that nobody saw it being stolen, WHO CARES IF IT’S GONE?”

So many parodies, so little blogging space. (Hey, pssssst, over here, pssssst, bridge abutments or I-beams, only fie-dolla!”)

By the way, there is no evidence, YET, that the tire tracks found at the scene are from a Haddad’s On-Site Snack Truck that stopped by for the thieves’ mid-evening smoke break!

Hey, bridge-burglars turn yourself in!!!!!  The writers of YaJagoff.com will represent you!!  We have a plea bargain that not even Jim Ecker would think of.

First, tell everyone you are demolition experts.  Use the Lawrence County bridge example as your resume.  Then, tell the Allegheny County and Pittsburgh politicians how they could have saved all those Civic Arena legal costs if they would have just hired you guys for one night, about 3 months ago to STEAL THE CIVIC ARENA!!!! (All the hysterical-historical-protesters “It was just there YESTERDAY!!!)

Now the ONE problem you guys DO have against ya is, what in THEEEEEEEE HELL do you do with tens-of-thousands-pounds-of-bridge now that this has made the news, YA JAGOFFS!!!!

REMINDER:  It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month (Tired of us saying it yet?) 

Guys and girls, be sure to check your humps for LUMPS!!!!

CLICK HERE FOR PREVIOUS STORY ABOUT CRAZY OLD GOAT THAT WANTED TO MOVE THE CIVIC ARENA!

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders, Criminal Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: ,

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