Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
Just when I thought I’d seen everything. Actually I shouldn’t even use that expression anymore because at least once a week I come across something that I don’t think is real at first and then the sad reality sinks in. I don’t watch much television. Sports, news and maybe an hour of old reruns before I go to bed. It’s that last hour when the weird stuff usually comes along.
The other night a commercial comes on for something called VIPOO. (Pronounced V-I-Poo.) This is a scented liquid that you spray into the toilet before you…um…how can I say this delicately? You spray it in before you
“TAKE A DUMP!”
I sat there in stunned silence for a minute. Next I did a reality check to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. No, I was awake. Finally, I stood up to make sure I hadn’t just suffered a major stroke and was hallucinating the whole thing. Then I sat back down and thought to myself,
“What the hell is the matter with people?”
In the commercial, a woman comes out of the bathroom after doing her business…dropping a log…pinching a loaf…backing the bus out of the garage…releasing the Kraken…I could keep going but you get the point. So, right after the woman leaves a man enters. It turns out that he is so pleased by the aroma, he’s actually smiling and waving it towards his nose.
“I’m not making this up!”
I’ve been saying “I’m not making this up,” too often lately. I think it’s a sign that we are in the end days, when reality begins to seem like insanity.
When I went on line to check it out…yes, I do research for you people…
Anyway, this item sells for between $8.50 and $19.00 a bottle. A case of six is almost $90. The reviews say that you need to spray between one third and half a bottle to get the full effect. That seems kind of pricy.
Let’s say I paid eighteen bucks for a bottle. Now I spray between a third and half in. So I’m out between six and ten bucks for what I’m about to do. That’s putting a lot of pressure on myself. It’s like somebody is knocking on the stall door. I may not be able to perform under these circumstances. How long do I have before it wears off? If I can’t go it will be just like
“Flushing money down the toilet.”
Yeah I know, but you had to figure I was going to work that in eventually.
So, this is how vain we’ve become as a society. We want people to believe our crap smells lemony fresh or somehow we went in there and baked an apple pie. We’re too good now to just light a candle and announce,
“I wouldn’t go in there for a while.”
“VIPOO” is not the only item that works this way. There is also “Mr. Crappers, which comes in a two pack of “Tangerine Zip” and “Lemongrass Sage.” It makes you want to start eating more fiber, doesn’t it?
My favorite though is “Poo-Pourri” because you can get it in the “Master Crapsman” gift set. So, Christmas and Valentine’s Day are over and now I give you this great gift idea. Seriously though, who are you giving this to? What friends and family members are you looking to eliminate?
Once again, I’m not making this stuff up. I guess nothing should surprise me anymore. Yeah, I know. This week’s column stinks.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841