Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
When I looked at my wrist to check the time, I realized I had left my watch behind. I was doing shows in the Poconos at “Land of Love” resorts. You know the ones with the round beds and heart shaped hot tubs. Where people are doing who knows what.
On the occasions my wife has gone with me, she always wants to get into the hot tub. I explain to her, “There’s not enough Clorox and Lysol on this planet, to get me in there.”
I was doing one resort Friday and another Saturday and my watch was left during the move.
This wasn’t the first time I lost a watch. I had a nice watch my parents had given me one Christmas. Had it for years. Then one time when I was performing in Detroit, the club manager noticed it.
” That’s a nice watch. I had one just like it. Be careful of the latch. If you don’t close it right, you’ll lose it.”
Turns out this is like when the announcer says, “He hasn’t missed a field goal all season, He’s made 35 in a row.”
Then the poor guy shanks it.
I was sitting in my hotel room the next night in my underwear watching football when my phone rang.
“Your ride is here.”
I hurried up and got dressed and ran out the door as I was latching my watch. When I got to the club and looked at my wrist, “Son of a …!”
Like I said, I had the watch for years and then this guy hexes me.
When I got back to the Hotel, I asked the manager if anyone had turned it in. I could see him holding back his laughter when he said, “This is Detroit. What do you think?”
Luckily, I was fortunate enough this time to have housekeeping find and promise to mail it back to me. The best part of that is this watch was a gift from my wife. If I don’t get it back, there’s always that feeling I left it on purpose because I didn’t like it.
What really sucks is that it was my fault. My wife was quick to point that out. I know she actually got joy from telling me that. I tried to come up with somebody else to blame. Maybe the corrupt media or Jina (China). Wait until Trump starts saying, “Jina has Nuk-u-lar weapons.”
David Letterman will be tempted to come out of retirement, just to do the “Great Speeches in American history” bit again.
It was actually a very thoughtful gift. My other watch had a habit of the battery going dead when I was someplace I couldn’t get a replacement.
Once, when I was in Atlantic City a friend drove me to a jewelry store. I made the mistake of telling The jeweler that I was from out of town. Don’t ever do that. He changed me thirteen bucks for a battery that lasted a week. What was I going to do? Drive six hours to return it?
So my wife gave me a solar watch. You don’t have to worry about a dead battery. You just have to remember not to leave it on the hotel nightstand.
It’s a nice watch, nothing elaborate. I just need it to tell time. What kind of weirdo is looking at my wrist anyway? Yeah, I know, people have all kinds of weird fetishes. That’s why I don’t get in the hot tub.
As I was walking around and freezing in the Poconos, I remembered how hot it was the last time I was there. It was early July, the week before I came up with the idea to run as the Jagoff party Presidential candidate.
At the time, I thought everybody could see what a sociopath Donald Trump was. Turns out, the joke was on me. Where did the time go?
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841