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What Aggravates Me John Knight

When the Hate is Gone

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

The news had a story the other day about a new dating app called Hater. What it does is match up people with similar hates. My first thought was,

“Really? This is where we are as a society?”

My second thought was,

“Where was this when I was single?”

Here in Pittsburgh, the two biggest hates are “Bad tippers” and “Tom Brady.” Brady, I can understand. He’s won five Super Bowls and the Steelers can’t beat him. He’s also married to a super model and unless you’re from New England, he annoys the hell out of you.

Now as far as the bad tipping goes, I’m going to assume that most of the people on this dating app work in the service industry. If not, some people are paying way too much attention to what others are doing. It’s not always obvious what is being left as a gratuity. Let me just say that I always leave a good tip unless the service really sucks. But, how would you know that? If somebody is paying with a card and writes in the tip, are you looking over their shoulder? After I leave the restaurant, are you looking into the folder I left on the table and saying,

“Oh, look at this! What a cheapskate.”

If you are, then I think I really hate you for nosing into my business.

The most hated thing in all of Pennsylvania are people who use money clips. Seriously? Someone using cash annoys you. I get much more aggravated with people that haven’t learned how to pay with a card, even though they’ve done it thousands of times. Still, there they are screwing up and standing there with a stupid look on their face. I get stuck in line behind them almost on a daily basis.

What about those people using their Starbucks app to pay? That always makes the transaction take five times longer than it should. Of course, those are the kind of annoying jerks that would sign up for a dating app like Hater.

This is the state of Pennsylvania. The state of constant road construction and delays, but that doesn’t bother you. Last week it took me forty-five minutes to go two miles on 79. Then, when I finally got through, the only Penn Dot worker I spotted was sitting on a box and texting. But yeah, a guy with a money clip is way more irritating than that.

I guess what I’m saying is you people don’t know how to hate. Sure, it’s easy now. It’s new and fun and you’re a big-tipping Tom Brady hating couple. How long can that last? What happens years from now, after Brady retires? Maybe you have kids and don’t get out as much to pay attention to what others are tipping. What happens when all the hate goes out of your relationship? I’m just saying,

“Be careful, nobody wants to end up in a hateless marriage.”

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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