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Rice Krispies Treats: Christmas Cookie Of The Damned

rice krispy treat recipe

Who doesn’t like Rice Krispies Treats? Those simple little treats that taste soooo yummy.  And just sprinkle a few green and red jimmies on them and boom.. Christmas cookie!  Even when they are stale from sitting in a hot car or in a Ziploc baggie, always yummy.  How hard can those things be to make?  Here’s my experience with making them the first and only time I ever attempted a few years ago.

Figure 1This is NOT what I look like in the kitchen but, figured that it would get your attention.

To start, I had spilled some of the Rice Krispies on the floor and counter as they overflowed from my 2-cup measuring thingy. I put the butter in a pan successfully but, had some residue on my fingers which made it almost impossible to tear open the marshmallow bags.  So I used scissors to cut the stupid bag open and subsequently ate 3 large marshmallows to calm my nerves .

The recipe says, “Working quickly, add Rice Krispies cereal, and stir until the cereal is well coated,” you know, with the butter/marshmallow yummies.

This is where those simple, little son-of-a-$#@ cookies started working ME vs. me working them!

I grabbed a wooden spoon and started TRYING to mix.  It became one big clump sticking to the wooden spoon. So I scraped the stuff off the wooden spoon with a spatula.  Now I had one big clump of stuff sticking to TWO utensils. So, to free the utensils, I worked them back and forth like Emeril might do or like two little kids fighting wildly with light sabers.

I worked it… worked it … I was getting frustrated.. it’s not working!  The recipe said work quickly so, I went in full force.  I dropped the utensils (one of which falls to the floor for the dog) and dug in with my bare hands. This is the point at which I realize how HOT the mixture is and how it will not let go of the skin on my fingers and hands!!!

New step to consider inserting into recipe? Have bowl of ice-cold water and a burn-trauma surgeon close at hand to remove scalding mixture from bare hands.

Once the tar-like substance was cleaned from my skin (and some of my skin removed from its underlying skin) I dumped the bowl of semi-mixed butter/marshmallow/Rice Krispie substance in to a baking pan and used a rolling been to smash it into a flat surface.  Yes, used waxed paper between the gooey substance and the rolling pin… I mean.. I’m not an idiot in the kitchen! 🙂

I let the pan of sugary molten lava (approximate temperature of what converts pig iron to liquid steel) sit and cool while I applied Aloe-burn salve, butter, oleo, Crisco and ice-packs to my hands.  At that point, I started to realize how many things in the kitchen had the cement-like Rice Krispie mixture stuck to it from my “Oh, $h!t, my hands are on fire” dance.  The fridge handles, the oven handle, the dish-drying towel and even the oven hood had to be scraped clean.

Within an hour.. the Rice Krispie treats were ready and the trauma was over!  Some were ½ inch thick and some were 2” thick.

My one additional suggestion to the standard Rice Krispies Treat recipe after my experience?  The very first step should be, “Go buy these sonzabitches somewhere or get your kids to eat vegetables, Ya Jagoffs!”

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