Today is a Guest Blog from Lauren of the Lawrenceville area of the City of Pittsburgh. It’s about Dating Jagoffs!
Confession: the only male to greet me with any type of enthusiasm in the past 2 years has 4 legs. No, I wasn’t getting busy at the furry convention (yet)… I’m a dog mom. And a cat mom. And I was a fish mom (RIP Hubert). Apparently taking care of cats and dogs is easier.
As much as I love being a ‘mom,‘ I’ve been thinking that it’s time I found another title for myself: ‘girlfriend.‘ Hey, you try showing up to your Italian family’s Christmas Eve dinner single every year for the past 27 years. You guys can carry on with your conversations about relationships; I’ll just hold my 6-month old nephew in the corner and pretend to look busy.
As much as everybody LOOOVES LAWRENCEVILLE and I’M SOOOO LUCKY TO LIVE HERE the dating scene is limited to lesbians, hipsters, and lesbian hipsters. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends that would fit into all of these categories and I love them. It’s just not who I am.
So I embarked on yet another hopeful okCupid journey which began by reactivating my account and cringing at how not-so-photogenic I am.
Then came the man-browsing:
No.
Nope.
Never in a million years.
Maaaaybe if I had a few drinks in me and/or was roofied.
Hey…. this one’s cute. Reallllly cute… and lives super close…
“Hey.” “Hey, what’s up?”
36 messages later, I score his number and begin the texting game. He’s free Sunday, do I want to meet up?
To quote Mr. Big, “abso-f-ing-lutely“.
Friday: He was down to 2 texts.
Saturday: Nothing.
Sunday: I check the local obituaries. Apparently Mr. Millvale man isn’t dead; he’s just fallen off the face of the Earth.
Seriously??? You don’t even have the b@##s to say “Gee, sorry, but I discovered my true identity over Pride weekend?” Or maybe your grandma or your Aunt Edna’s dog’s sister’s owner died, or your phone broke, or you lost my number, or wound up in the hospital, or joined the Army and called your mom from Savannah to say you’d be home in 3 years like my dad did. All valid excuses if I was young and naive. I’m not.
Falling off the face of the earth is the most jagoffiest jagoff thing a guy can do. And trust me, there’s a lot of jagoff things a guy can do. That’s another blog post for another day.
So, dear jagoff, I leave you with this one thought:
Texting is free, unless you share your grandma’s prepaid Tracphone plan from Walmart where they deduct half a minute per text. In which case, I’m embarrassed for you.
Use it. Us girls deserve it… Ya Jagoff!
Thanks to Lauren, @YinzerSoSmart, for today’s guest blog!!!
