Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
Sorry, it’s another rant criticizing Pirates ownership. You could stop reading now, but if you do you’ll miss out. It’s Fireworks week! The show begins immediately following this column.
Three seems to be the magic number. If you’ve been around long enough to remember the Pirates in the early nineties, three playoff seasons followed by twenty years of hell.
Well, if you’re not old enough to remember, now it’s your time. After three straight playoff seasons and one losing season, the dismantling has begun.
After begging teams to take Mark Melancon off their hands last summer, because All Star closers cost money, it looks like everyone must go. The Pirates are now trying desperately to trade Andrew McCutcheon because he is scheduled to make 14 million next year. He signed what was supposed to be a team friendly contract, but not for this team.
Sean Rodriguez signed with Atlanta because 11 million over two seasons is too much to pay for a guy that hit 18 home runs off the bench and can play every position.
This is after letting JA Happ walk away last year for a reasonable price and giving away Neil Walker.
If Garrett Cole comes back healthy, the Pirates have one proven starter. I know, after the first of the year they will go sniffing around the bargain basement and scrap heaps like they always do. That didn’t work out so well in 2016, did it? Is this really appropriate when similar markets like Cleveland and Kansas City have been to the last two World Series?
So why should anyone go to a game next year? I know, fireworks…remember at the end of this column…and bobbleheads and bring your dog to the game nights. If owner Bob Nutting figures out a way to get your dog to lead off and play second base, he can pay him in Chew Toys and pocket the rest.
You won’t see me at a game next year and if you do, you can spit on me. I only Hope ownership doesn’t read this. I can see “Spit on John Knight Wednesday” as a new promotion…and you know I’ll have to supply my own poncho.
I’ve been criticized in the past for comparing Bob Nutting to Scrooge. It just seems appropriate at this time of year.
Wait until the ghost of Rip Sewall (google him I did), visits on Christmas Eve as the ghost of Pirates past. Of course Nutting will probably try to sign him as a third starter for five thousand a year. Then our beloved owner will roll over, clutching the candy cane he picked up after a three year old dropped it on the street. He will be smiling contentedly as he dreams of Christmas future. You know, next year after he cuts the payroll in half.
I know, if you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything. So let’s say at least Bob “Ka-Ching” Nutting isn’t my landlord. Oh, and if you’re a Pirates season ticket holder…and why would you be? Don’t keep checking the mail for your Christmas card. Stamps cost money, you know.
See you at the stadium on Wednesdays. All I ask is that you please swallow your nachos before you spit.
Enjoy the fireworks!
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841