The Invisible Pee-ing Monster

YJ-PeeOnToilet

We’ve all seen it.  There’s pee on the house toilet but nobody admits to it knowing how it got there.  Sometimes the pee trickles down the side of the toilet and, after a day or two, bonds with the floor dust to create a nice patch of yellowish fuzz near the bolts that hold the toilet to the floor but, nobody admits to putting it there.

Are ya gaggin yet?  (Know that I gagged writing this.)

Somehow this odd phenomenon occurs but, the phenomenon of someone in your house taking responsibility  and cleaning up after themselves seems to be missing.  Which, by the way “missing” seems to be the overall issue here doesn’t it?

Now, if there’s a grandpap in your house, the picture above may acceptable and all bets are off.

I don’t know about YOUR grandfather but, when my grandfather was in a bathroom, you didn’t go near it for hours after he had been in there.  Ya knew what he was going to do in the bathroom as he alternated farting and moaning on each step all the way up the stairs to the bathroom or, even worse, down the steps to the cellar bathroom!!!!

The noises that came out of the bathroom while my grandpap was in there rivaled the grunts and groans heard in a Venus and Serena Williams tennis match.  And the smell was usually worse than the imagined stench of a clogged outhouse on a 20 year-old shrimp boat!

But back to the situation at hand.  Consider this an open letter to whomever in my house is having a tough time with aim.  Currently, it looks like someone is doing the Hokey Pokey while they’re peeing because of  all the pee trickles all over the floor, wall and toilet.

So secret toilet pee monster, paleeeeeeze use a few squares of toilet paper and clean up after yourself or I will start praying that your cell phone drops in the toilet while you’re simultaneously trying to text and pee ya secret toilet monster Jagoffs!

 

 

Work Elevator Jagoff

 

This post is about that person that abuses the elevator privileges at work.  But first, what do you think the worst elevator ride might be?  Would it be:

1) The elevator ride that is taking you to the secret work-pooping spot while your IBS is acting up right after lunch

2) The elevator ride where, you are by yourself headed to the 15th floor, and the thing is moving from floor 1 to 12 COMPLETELY uninterrupted… you feel confident… and eek out some “I-drank-beer-and-ate-4-Sheetz Burritos-Last-Night” gas,  then SUDDENLY  the elevator stops on floor 14 and someone gets on and presses 15!

3) The elevator ride where, you get on with your girlfriend and your wife’s already on it

4) The completely random elevator ride at the downtown Pittsburgh Macy’s with Mario Lemieux who is Christmas shopping for his wife in the designer clothing area and Dan Bylsma gets on who is shopping for HIS wife in the “Last Season’s Styles” sales bins

5) The elevator ride on which you pass gas because you believe the elevator is going UP and you figure the smell will sink with the up-motion of the elevator… only to find the elevator is going down and the stench rises to nose level

6) The elevator ride where you get on, and there’s a really hot guy already on it, you fluff your hair then he sticks his finger in his ear, makes a scrape,  then SNIFFS his finger nail

So there I was waiting for an elevator in the basement of an unnamed downtown building.  I had pushed the UP button and it was lit.  Then comes in “Mr Hurry” who sees us waiting, sees the UP light on but has to walk up and hit the UP button again.  After 12.9 seconds of impatience, he walks up and taps the UP button 3 additional times in rapid fashion.  Less then 4 seconds after that, he begins to sigh and huff, look at his watch, then his phone, then pushes the UP button 22 more times.

The elevator finally arrives, we all get on, “Mr. Hurry” gets on first and everyone else fills in.  The elevator then goes to……… yep, you guessed it, Floor #1 and guess who has to squeeze out of the elevator car from the back?  Yep, you guessed that too.

If you were in THAT much of a hurry walk.  With your antsy energy, you could have been to the top of the UPMC-but-most-people-still-call-it-the-steel building by the time the rest of us got to the first floor.  And quit pumping the UP button like you’re priming the fuel line of  a cheap WalMart lawn mower.  Pumping the button does NOT make the elevator come any faster, Ya Jagoff!

 

IMPORTANT NOTE:

Free Jagoff Ringtones!!!!!

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No Slop-slop-sloppy Joes!

YJ-LunchLady

Story Summary:

A cafeteria lady from Keystone Oaks School Distrcit  has ALLEGEDLY been skimming more than the “take-a-penny-Keep-a-penny” cup since about 2010.

Allegedly to the tune of $90K which is equal to about 20,123 meat loaf and mashed taters platters!

Allegedly, she used the money to… well…. pay some bills .

Full Story on WPXI Here

And to be perfectly clear, there is no information on whether she, some days, also sneaked an a roll or a 2 dice-sized squares of jello (with a dollop of fake whipped cream, of course) on certain days when she worked.

But no matter, the focus here is on the lady who, each time they sold another plate of Grade D meat chili or up-sold a student from a ham-and-cheese to a full meat loaf entree platter, saw more reasons to leave her TV and house lights on all day (like you do when you’re in a hotel) and her shower running to steam her clothes (like you do when you’re in a hotel) because the kids were ALLEGEDLY paying her bills!

She got caught because some other cafeteria workers had noticed some missing funds or, perhaps it was the hair nets, be-jeweled with REAL DIAMONDS and RUBIES or the bright red DRE BEATS STUDIO 2.0 OVER EAR HEADPHONES she had on!

Well Ms. Smith (if that’s your REAL name or your hotel check-in name), it appears that, when it came to stealing the kids lunch money, ya did a:

Sloppy job, slop, sloppy job.  Sloppy job, slop, sloppy job.  Sloppy job, slop, sloppy JOB!

We guess whatever HAPPENS in the cafeteria doesn’t necessarily STAY in the cafeteria.. especially the cash, Ya Jagoffs!!!!!