The Final Airplane Seat

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Traveling on a commercial airline is no fun anymore.  You have to play the randomly-assigned-and-configured airline fee game, put up with people talking on their phones until the door is sealed shut and the planes seemed to always be packed.

I’ve done everything I can think of to discourage people from sitting down next to me on planes including pretending that I am a defense attorney and having gory crime scene photos up on my tablet screen during seating, shooting saltwater up my nose before a board (so that it looks like I have a runny nose when I’m at my seat) while carrying a box of extra-moisturized nose tissues and eating candy pills out of an industrial sized bottle of GasX so that it looks like I’m lactose intolerant and just chugged 10-gallons of whole milk.

But most of the time, these efforts are done in vain because someone always needs to have a seat.

But this day.. this very exciting day…me and the guy in the aisle seat in my row, felt like we hit the lottery.

We went through the maneuvers of awkwardly  glaring, staring, giving threatening-eyes and bedroom-eye looks to everyone boarding the plane looking for their seat. Then….suddenly… it happened.  The door shut.  The announcements started and me and the guy to my right looked at each other like to teenage brothers staring at a full, open bottle of cold beer that dad conveniently left on the kitchen table  as he walked downstairs to go cut the grass for the next hour… “Did that REALLY just happen?

Boom! The announcements started and the plane started to rev and everyone was seated.  This was the only seat not taken.  We had won the airplane musical chairs championship.. room to expand and relax on a 2-hour flight home!

Me and the guy kind of commented about it but, we were like those people who win the lottery and wait 5 months to claim it….we did not want to jinx this so we just went on about our business…quietly “telapathy-ing” to everyone else on the plane..”Look it us with some elbow room, Ya Jagoffs!

Why Little Johnny?

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For soooo many years there have been jokes about “Little Johnny.” Like this one:

A Preschool Sunday School teacher was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas Season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So she asked her class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

Why the name Johnny?  I mean, I went to first grade with a kid named Leon that pooped his pants every week.  Why aren’t there Little Leon jokes??

I feel like I might have to take a stand here for all people named John.  Envision a quick-edit video clip jammed with a bunch of sound bites from celebrities and politicians talking about the trouble they are in.  The sound of the clip goes like this, “I will be vindicated, “I have no question, that once all of the facts come out, I will be vindicated.” “These charges are ridiculous, I have NO DOUBT that I will be vindicated.” You get the point.  No matter how guilty these people are, they somehow muster up the ability to shamelessly say, with a straighter face than a Sunday morning TV millionaire evangelist, that they WILL be vindicated.

As a former Little Johnny who is now all grown up, I have spent my life listening to stories about “Little Johnny.” If you’ve listened to all of the stories and read the web posts to this point, you may wonder how I’m not in a cell or Charlie Sheen-level rehab.  You may have heard, I have an extremely smart mouth, that my teachers were ALWAYS in fear of me dropping a swear word in class, that I got kicked out of school AT LEAST a dozen times, left school early by answering a fake question and even kidnapped a statue of the Virgin Mary just to get a new bicycle.

Personally, I am not I big cliché guy but.. to all of the people name John, I will answer the bell, step up to the plate, leave no stone un-turned, put all the cards on the table, open the kimono, and, without a doubt, because the best defense is a good offense, I assure you that JOHNNY(s) WILL BE VINDICATED!!

Now the rest of you go pick on some kids named Billy, Bobby, Michael or Shane, Ya Jagoffs!

The Steelers First Draft Pick

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Welp…. now we know what we’re all gonna talk about on talk radio, social media and at the office today.  I guarantee there’s someone at the office that brings up this topic 7.5421 minutes after getting to their cubicle or desk.  Some might not even make it to their desk.

“They should have taken a…..”

“They don’t need an outside line backer as much as they needed a….”

“Oh… he’s gonna start

You get it.

But this is a Friday and it’s about the be the nicest 3 days in a row that we’ve seen in months.

So, feel free to just respond with, “I love the Steelers and the black and gold Friday Jeans-Day-Crock-Pot Lunches as much as anyone but…it’s a beautiful Friday out there and…I just wanna get outta here early today Ya Jagoff!”