Expect Delays

Every Saturday 

“What Aggravates Me!” by Comedian John Knight

 

            It’s the Fourth of July, the day we celebrate our countries independence. This means most people are probably too busy to read this column today. Instead they are getting themselves lubricated so they can properly handle explosive devises later.

A little known fact is that Benjamin Franklin was over an hour late that day in 1776. Apparently, Penn Dot had a major construction project going on between his house and Independence Hall. The Detour was backed up due to people headed to the Jersey Shore for the holiday and he wasn’t in the best of moods when he finally arrived.

I had to drive across Interstate 80 last week which I usually don’t mind. It’s a much better drive than the turnpike. I should tell you that when I enter the address of my destination in the GPS and it gives my estimated time of arrival, I like to play a little game called,

“I can shave an hour off of that.”

Everything was going smoothly for the first half hour or so and then I saw the flashing sign.

“Construction ahead, Expect Delays.”

It couldn’t have been more than a minute or two later when I came to a complete stop. The flashing sign was telling me there would be a single lane a mile ahead which meant that both lanes had to merge into one. It also once again said,

“Expect Delays”

I wasn’t moving at all so how could I be any more delayed?

Twenty five minutes later I finally arrived at the merge point. This construction was wreaking havoc with my little game not to mention my patience. The flashing sign was now telling me there would be a single lane for the next nine miles and once again,

“Expect Delays”

Who came up with that phrase, “Expect Delays?” It almost sounds tolerable doesn’t it?

“We’re expecting a delay!”

“We’re expecting our first child!”

“I’m expecting a check in the mail!”

“I’m expecting to grow old and die before I get through this traffic.”

Why don’t they just tell us the truth?

“Hell lies ahead.”

“You’re screwed!”

“No way are you shaving an hour off your time today, John Knight.”

As I crawled along for mile after agonizing mile I began to notice something. Nobody was working. There wasn’t any equipment to indicate they would be working anytime soon. Just a long line of frustrated drivers wondering why we had ever left home.

Who else does business like this? You start a project and then walk away from it for a while with no concern about how much it inconveniences others. What would happen if doctors operated this way? What if they started a hernia surgery, opened the guy up and then just left? Now you’ve got a long line of gurney’s backed up outside the operating room while some poor jackass is lying on the table with an orange cone on his groin.

The single lane was to end at mile marker 68. At mile marker 67 there was another flashing sign that said there would be more construction at mile marker 71. Why stop for those three miles? Why give us that false sense of hope? None of us felt independence that day my friend. We felt like Penn Dot had total control of our lives.

Anyway, I didn’t shave an hour off my time and in fact arrived fifteen minutes later than my GPS had estimated. Yeah, I know, let’s just say I made up some lost time once I got out of that mess.

Another little known fact about July fourth 1776. As they finished the business of the day, our founding fathers decided to celebrate with some libations. Unfortunately, it being a holiday, the state run liquor stores were closed. Benjamin Franklin told them he was working to eliminate Pennsylvania’s archaic liquor laws. He promised that by the end of the year the people of this state would have the convenience of buying wine and spirits at the market place.

“Expect Delays”

 

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.JohnKnight

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Painting the Sister Bridges Different Colors?

3bridges

Photo By Dave DiCello

Allegheny County and the City of Pittsburgh have teamed up to ask for votes on what color to paint the Pittsburgh “Sister Bridges.”  Someone had the bright idea to paint each one a different color.  Things got a little crazy…. I mean like a room full of nuns watching a Tosh 2.0 live stand up act kind of crazy.

An online poll was started and you can see in the results, keeping them Aztec Yellow is the overwhelming sentiment.

But don’t leave it up to just the average people who still can’t let got of their Bradshaw shirts for Sunday mass.  We went to experts. People that have experience in this stuff…. moms of triplets.  Should the 3 “Sister Bridges” be dressed individually or the same.  And here are what the experts say (not necessarily about bridges but somehow extrapolated to apply to bridge painting.)

Abbey (Yahoo.com)

I buy the same outfits because it is easier than buying three different ones (I have triplets all boys)

Extrapolation: we can buy lots of Aztec Yellow paint cheaper than if we bought 3 separate colors

Mom of Two (Yahoo.com)

I dress my boys in similar clothes (different colors but same style) but I dress them alike sometimes too. Like when I find something that is so cute but there isn’t something similar and I don’t want to dress one in cuter clothes than the other.

Extrapolation: So completely disregard when she mentions the “different colors/same style” thing.  What is important is that she does not want one to appear more cute than the other.  I guarantee, if the bridges were to be 3 different colors, we will be paying for a bridge-whisperer in 15-20 years for at least 2 of them.  If you want to give them a little flair to let them have their independence, let one have the Locks of Love, one have a bike lane and whatever.. you get the point.

Final case in point.

trips

Photo Credit: DailyMail.uk

These Brazilian triplets got married on the same day in the same dress with the same hairstyle at the same time.  Not to be completely chauvinist but, have you ever seen a girl’s reaction when another girl at party has the same dress on?  It’s like, “hey mom, since you won the lottery and we USUALLY play together but I was a little short on cash the day you bought the last round of tickets so why can’t I share in the winnings?” kind of ugly.

Extrapolation: Well, these ladies dressed alike because they knew it was going to make for great publicity and internet pictures.  Ya can’t argue with that mentality… especially 3 women agreeing to be dressed in the same thing for one of the most important days of their lives.

So there ya have it.  I say the bridges stay Aztec Yellow and that is based on relatively unscientific, extrapolated and partially made up research to make my point.

Aztec Yellow it is, Ya Jagoffs.

 

My Interview with Donald Trump (Kind of)

trump

Since I did such a great job interviewing Ernie Ricci yesterday, Donald Trump’s apprentice manager, of his non-existing-presidential-campaign, asked me to interview The Donald.

By the way, there was one stipulation to the interview: Do not ask about or refer to his hair. 

Being follicle-challenged myself, I had no qualms.  However, I was nervous that my eyes would constantly gravitate to his hair during the interview so I planned on picturing him with big boobs and cleavage so I would have something to stare at.

Here’s a transcript of my Donald Trump interview.

ME: Thanks for meeting me hair, um, (throat clear) HERE today.  What is your favorite Broadway play?

TRUMP: Hair

(dead silence on my part – beads of sweat begin to emerge)

ME: Well, um, (throat clear), good.  You’ve been giving other candidates a lot of chatter so far.  The news is quickly making you out to be a little caaaraaazzy if you don’t mind me saying.   TRUMP: Hey, campaigning is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, did you ever see the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare?”

(more dead silence on my part and now I’m wishing I had some Gas X and TUMS) . 

ME: Sir, do you know that you keep doing that?

TRUMP: Keep doing what?

ME: Nothing, nothing. Let’s move on.  I saw the photos of your newly redecorated office.  It looks very lavish.  Will you want to redecorate the White House if you move into it?

TRUMP: Hey, I buy lavish stuff with MY money, not the government’s.  Actually, quite frankly, with how much taxes I pay, most of the government money IS mine.  But I won’t be like that.  For the White House, I just want the carpet to match the drapes!

ME: Is that a hair reference?

TRUMP: Pardon me?

ME: Never mind.  Do you have a favorite Little Johnny joke?

TRUMP:  A what?

ME: You know, a Little Johnny joke.  I’m figuring nobody’s ever asked you that question yet.  My name is John so thought I would spitball here.

TRUMP: Do people actually tell jokes using names other than TRUMP?  If so, let me know, I’ll buy the rights to them and force them to have MY name inserted into all of them.

ME: Oh, I almost forgot.  If you were President, what would you do with Vladimir Putin?

TRUMP: I don’t care about him.  We’ll take him out easily.  We’re currently the laughing stock of the world.  This is business.  I will offer him asylum on the NBC Apprentice Show after I sue them and get it back on the air.  I’ll put Putin in a room with Gary Busey.  He’ll flip his wig!

ME: So here’s an example of a Little Johnny joke:

The teacher of an earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”

After a loooooong confused silence of kids staring at each other, Little Johnny shouted, “I guess you’d be eating alone.

TRUMP: See, I hate what’s happening to this country?  Every kid should have a GPS unit!

ME: But wait, that story isn’t true.  The real story is that my 5th grade science teacher was EXTREMELY hot.  Me and my friend Dirty Kurty used to flip coins over who would marry her someday.  One day we were going over maps and Dirty Kurty thought he was gonna get a leg up on me in the relationship when he complemented the teacher, who was wearing a dress that day, about the “MINK STOCKINGS” she was wearing.  As it turned out, she had not shaved her legs, probably for most of the winter, and lotsa wirey hairs were sticking through her stockings!!!  He had a GREAT time eating lunch, ALONE, while the rest of us were out for recess!

TRUMP: Was that a “hair reference?”

ME: No, um, I, um….

TRUMP: YOU’RE FIRED, YA JAGOFF!

 

NOTE: Celebrity Bolded Font Impersonated