Jun 29 2014
There aren’t many times that I act like GENIUS but this might be one of ’em!!!
Since Pittsburgh is always on the forefront of new health care things, I started to think, how can WE solve the national health care crisis.
Our SJU, Special Jagoff Unit, found a way to lower health care costs, promote early checkups and take full advantage of those back-scatter airport scanners that show EVERRRRREEEEE thing including your skivvies AND the skid marks that make your DER-wear look like runway 2-8 RIGHT at the Pittsburgh International Airport (Click, Save, Fly!).
HERE’S THE DEAL, staff the back-scatter scanner units with DOCTORS!!! Yep, professionals that can make on-the-spot diagnoses.
“By the way sir, we’ve verified there’s no contraband in your colon, HOWEVER, Dr. Lou Stool, our gastroenterologist see’s a few polyps in your sigmoid area. Could ya please step over here for a quick colonoscopy? Don’t worry that you haven’t fasted, the Taco Bell you had in the food court would have cleaned ya out better than a molasses enema.”
“By the way, ya might wanna consider cycling to your destination today instead of flying ‘cause you’re WAY over weight and, Dr. A. Fib Ralation, the TSA cardiologist working our scanner today, actually saw clumps of Primanti SANGwiches floating in your right coronary artery.”
Maybe we could even cash-in frequent flyer miles for things like heart catheterizations or bags of IV fluid instead of comp drinks or for a ”Fashion Fit Emergency Mask” or maybe an in-flight urinary catheter for the old guy in the window seat (cuz he likes to lean) that gets up to pee every 20 minutes? Why not? Those miles CERTAINLY aren’t good for flying anywhere!!
By the way, if this airport scanner health-care thing does go through, I see the following being some ORBITZ TRAVEL SPECIAL ideas:
Asthmatics to Athens
Prostate Checks on flights to the Finger Lakes
Kidney Function Tests on European flights (Get it? You’re a pee-in’)
Hey Highmark, UPMC, Joe’s Healthcare, Pittsburgh Airport…. SOMEONE hire us as experts.. but we want full credit… like “Life Changing Medicine and Travel, Ya Jagoffs!” Or “Your Health Care AND Travel Partner, Ya Jagoff!” or our favorite, “Click, Save Your Life, Fly, Ya Jagoff!!!!”