Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
by Comedian John Knight
I blame the Steelers. Since New Year’s Day fell on a Friday it was only natural to stretch the holidays out through the weekend. Once it was Monday, the decorations would come down and I would start working on shedding those pounds that I’d gained since Thanksgiving.
Putting up the tree and lights is always much more enjoyable than taking them down. It’s a task I dread every year, but it has to be done. Then last Sunday I came up with a plan. The Steelers had an outside shot to make the playoffs. First they had to win in Cleveland, which they do on a consistent basis, and the Jets had to choke against the Bills. Not a real long shot, but iffy anyway. That’s when I said it,
“If the Steelers make the playoffs, the Christmas tree stays up.”
So I put off the inevitable for at least a week. Not only that but it made no sense to start a diet and exercise regimen. Not when there would be Steeler parties ahead. I mean it would make no sense to watch a playoff game without beer, pizza, dips, beer, wings and beer. So now I have to gain more weight. Damn you Steelers!
The thing is, this could go on for a while. The first game is against Cincinnati, who the Steelers beat almost as regularly as the Browns. Plus the Bengals haven’t won a playoff game since players were still wearing leather helmets with no face masks.
Of course, we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. Let’s not forget the Tim Tebow debacle in Denver a few years ago. Tebow had the greatest game of his life against the Steelers in the playoffs. I was talking to Tim the other day, as he was bagging my groceries. He said, even he couldn’t believe how wide open some of those receivers were.
Not this time though. It just feels different. I think this is going to at least the second round and beyond. This is Super Bowl Fifty, after all. Except for twenty, the Steelers get there when they fall on the decade. Ten, thirty and forty so far. With the week off between the championship games, I’ll have to eat junk food for another month. Do you see what this team is doing to me?
Looks like I’ll be buying a bigger size of clothes. That’s if they even make a size that will fit me by the time this is done. The Steelers motto this year was
“Next man up.”
Mine will be,
“Next man up, once the crane gets here.”
My going outside will require the removal of large portions of my house.
It’ll be worth it though. How many times have you said,
“For the love of God, I could have been born in Cleveland.”
In fifty years of Super Bowls, the only time the Browns went was if they bought a ticket. Every New Year brings the annual firing of the coaches. Also, if you’ve ever been to Las Vegas, you know it’s not uncommon to see a guy wearing a blonde wig. Some of you may have made the mistake on hitting on one. Seeing a franchise quarterback doing it on game day…well, you have a better chance of being abducted by aliens. That’s a special kind of stupid there. Needless to say, you won’t be seeing the Browns anywhere near Super Bowl Fifty-One either.
Yeah, I know the Super Bowls are supposed to be Roman numerals. It’s just that I don’t remember them all and probably neither do you.
So the tree stays up and so does my weight. Pass the dip. Damn you Steelers!
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841