Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
I returned from a recent road trip to find out it happened. If you remember a column I did last year, I wrote about the plans to put a Wal-Mart in my neighborhood. This despite the fact there is one within ten minutes heading north or south. There was no need for it really, but they did it anyway. My boycott began immediately.
You may think that one man can only do so much. Well, let me tell you this. To protest the Pirates constant losing, refusal to spend money and trading away their best players, I did not attend a game for five seasons. What was the result? Three straight playoff seasons…You’re welcome. Now that they are back to their old ways, I won’t be attending any games this season. You can thank me in the future when they win the World Series.
Not only did Wal-Mart open, but they installed six new traffic lights to deal with the congestion. What was once a quiet intersection now becomes a nightmare. I’ve been told that traffic lights are supposed to be in sync. If you drive the speed limit and get a green light, by the time you reach the next light it will be green. Apparently that rule doesn’t apply to western Pennsylvania. If there are two lights within three car lengths of each other, which is the case around the new Wal-Mart, one will be green, the other red and nobody’s getting anywhere.
With Thanksgiving just past, I can reflect back to the only good thing Wal-Mart ever had going for it. The day after Thanksgiving black Friday sales. Back when they would have a limited amount of a certain item for a ridiculously low price. People would line up for weeks in advance. Then they would open the doors at around 5 AM and the carnage would ensue. I always found those videos to be very entertaining.
Those days are gone. Now the stores open on Thanksgiving and it’s no longer really a holiday. I’m sure it doesn’t stop the Wal-Mart…let’s call them patrons, from enjoying Thanksgiving dinner. They probably just took it along with them.
If you’ve ever been in a Wal-Mart, you know they are not known for the healthy clientele they attract. I could only imagine what it was like on Thanksgiving while these patrons were seeking out bargains. Some guy squeezed tightly into a 5X shirt, his rolls of flab on display for all to see. Probably nibbling on a drumstick as he walked around the store. Every now and then dipping his free hand into his pocket filled with mashed potatoes.
Alongside him would be his bride. You can picture her tight bra making the folds on her back look like she had an extra set of breasts. She’d be wearing her low rider jeans, only because that’s all the farther she can yank them up. Her ass would be showing more crack than an episode of “Breaking Bad.” The whole time she’d be drinking a mixture of gravy and cranberries from a “Big Gulp” cup while she fingered her way through the thong panties.
You don’t want to experience an ugly scene like that. It would ruin Thanksgiving for you for good. You’d probably never be able to exchange gifts again because just hearing or saying the word thanks would send you into tremors. The mere sight of a turkey would leave you shrieking with terror. Just seeing a balloon would remind you of the parades and leave you trembling and crying.
These are the kind of unpleasant experiences none of us need. That’s why this Wal-Mart will never get my business. You saw how it worked with the Pirates.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841