So there I was hanging out at a business network event…socially distancing. Glad to be out and about…nice shirt, sporty shoes, cool late-summer pants. I look at 4 guys with bad toupee’s, one guy with a belly bigger than mine but has a t-shirt on that looks like it would fit snug on a malnourished Calvin Klein model, and a bunch of people dressed in great party suits and sweaters. So, basically, I’m in the middle of the party-attire bell curve.
So there I am, a wall flower, just like an 8th grade dance, (long before social distancing was cool) standing their holding my club soda. Of course, I got a lime and a straw in it so that it looked like a cool mixed drink.
But then…..as I was watching people walk by, smiling, having a good time.. I smile back, put my glass out to say “cheers” and then go to take a drink. I made the huuuuuuge mistake of trying to sip out of the straw vs. drinking from the edge of the glass and having the straw make me look like an idiot by poking me in the side of the face.
On my second attempt of taking a sip out of the straw, it rolled to the right of the glass. So I chased it. Moved my mouth to it a second time…..it rolled to the left. I missed again! I then went for a big-open-mouthed-gold-fish bite at the straw….my chin hit it and the straw flipped out of the glass on to the floor. I have no idea how many people were looking or NOT looking at me because I never looked up.
So…to the straw that broke this Jagoffs pride, next time, I’m throwing you in the garbage from the start. I’d rather waste you and have you in the gut of a whale, drink out of the glass and take the risk that the ice will slide out and hit me in the face, than have you poke me in the eye in front of 20 people, Ya Jagoff!