Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
Written By Comedian John Knight
As I write this, the storm hasn’t hit yet, so I don’t know what you woke up to on Saturday. In fact, while I’m writing this, you’re probably at the supermarket stocking up on bread, milk and toilet paper. I don’t know why people feel that those three are the most important staples of survival. I also don’t know why any time they predict a few inches of snow, people act like they will be stuck inside until April.
I stocked up on my own necessities at the liquor store and beer distributor. After that I didn’t feel like fighting the crowds to get a month’s supply of toilet paper. Also, I don’t see any reason I won’t be able to get out of the house this weekend. Of course I should be able to put beer, liquor and toilet paper in the same cart, but we’re not here to discuss Pennsylvania’s archaic laws.
What’s really bothering me is how some of the local weather people handle announcing a storm like this. Freezing rain, ice and accumulating snow is nothing to smile about. It’s not all of them and I’m not going to point fingers at the most irritating. I just don’t appreciate a jovial announcement of bad news.
You wouldn’t want your doctor walking in the room, laughing so hard that he’s wiping tears from his face as he says,
“Turns out that’s not a mole.”
“Ha, ha, ha…you only have three months to live.”
“Tee, hee, hee…hope you haven’t grown attached to that arm.”
This is not the way to deliver dire news and bad weather is no different. They make me want to walk into the studio and tell them to
“Wipe that smile off your face, right now.”
Of course I would do it in the same type of expletive laced tirade as Steve Martin did to Edie McClurg in the Car Rental scene from “Planes, Trains and Automobiles.”
I’m not talking out of my ass here either, the way I usually do. Part of my college major of communications was News broadcasting…yeah, I know, I was in black and white back then…you’re so funny you should be doing the weather.
What I’m saying is we weren’t taught to slap our leg and say,
“Hee…hee…wait until you hear about this tragic accident.
You don’t do that and you don’t tell me the weather is going to suck with a big smile on your face.
Look, I’m available for these situations. KDKA, WTAE, WPXI, the next time bad weather is approaching, I can tell people about it in the right way.
Instead of grinning and acting happy as I show the storm tracker, it would be more like…
“Look at this! Would you look at it? What the hell is the matter with us? Why do we live in a place where this could happen?”
Or I could kick things around, pound my fist on the wall, pull at my hair and then say,
“Ahhh! Do you see what’s coming? Do you see this? Isn’t this awful? I can’t imagine there will be enough toilet paper for all of us. So, it’s every man, woman and child for themselves. May God help us.”
That’s how you deliver a bad forecast. Like I said, I’m available. Just don’t smile at me when you ask.
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841
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