As soon as I saw that headline in the PG, I panicked! But in a good panic. Then I looked closer at that phone screen… I nearly lost my mind… I almost ate that picture of the phone with the picture of the fries and Big Mac on it! My love of McD’s is undying! (Except for those chicken nugget thingies.. they smell like feet!) But the fries… I smell them and I get as weak in the knees as if I was shaking the hand of Mario Lemieux at center ice of the Paint Can as he was offering me 49% ownership of the team because of my skating skills. Note: not even being in the presence of ol’ 66 would make me share my last McD’s french fry. I love McDonald’s…do ya have that impression yet?
So… now I see I can get Uber to deliver some Micky D’s to my house. I used to think that Amazon.com was going to kill us all via lack of movement and atrophied muscles but this… this one.. this is it. Not only can I have me some artery clogging bliss but I don’t even have to walk/drive to get it!!!!
I’m on this, which means my life is going to decline pretty quickly, so I thought I would make some apologies up front:
To my neighbors: My apologies that, by the end of summer, my house will be the house that has 8-foot high grass. Just know that the grass will help cover my ever-growing body that is sucking down Uber-delivered Big Macs and Fries.
To the Uber Drivers Delivering “my goods,” my apologies that, by the end of summer, you are going to need a weed-wacker or cycle to get to my front door for the deliveries. But know that I love you and need you!
To the EMTs and Firefighters who will eventually have to cut a hole in the side of my house to rescue me for myself, my apologies for losing control but I can’t turn down some delivered McD’s fries… EVER! Please make sure you have some liquidized french fries to use as my IV fluid!
To the heart catheterization crew who will do my procedure once the flatbed truck delivers me to the ER, I have two apologies… sorry that I will be so fat that you will have to use 17 people to slide me on to the table and sorry for the grease that will drip on to your surgery-shoes as you puncture my artery. But know this… you’re gonna be famous from the research paper and medical presentations that you will do around the world about the guy who had actual micro-sized french fries floating in his blood stream!
Ok…I’m sure there will be more apologies for this coming but, right now, I gotta get on my Uber App and get some goodies. Uber and McD’s…. I’ll take a 6x t-shirt and a pair of stretchy sweat pants for my Christmas present, Ya Jagoffs!