Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

Now that I have your attention, I should let you know that this is actually about dirty pants. Not just any dirty pants though. Four hundred and twenty-five dollar dirty pants. If you remember, before Christmas, Nordstrom’s was selling a rock for eighty-five dollars. The fact that they were sold out at one point, shows how easy it is to take advantage of the simple minded.

Well, they’re back at it again. No, they’re not selling more rocks. This time they are selling jeans with caked on fake mud for, that’s right, four hundred and twenty-five dollars. So now you can look like you were working, without actually working. It’ll only cost you four hundred and twenty-five dollars.

How does something like this even get on the market? Let’s imagine I work at Nordstrom’s in the design department. One day I walk in and say,

“I have an idea for jeans that look really dirty. I think we can get over four hundred bucks a pair.”

Now, the people I’m telling this to, instead of recommending that I be psychologically tested, say things like,

“Brilliant idea!”

“Sounds like a winner!”

“We’re going to sell a lot of dirty pants.”

That’s unless the CEO came up with the idea. I mean if Mr. Nordstrom…I think his name is Bob…so, if Bob Nordstrom comes in and says he wants to sell dirty pants, you have to agree.

“Great idea boss.”

These days, you can’t even roll your eyes when he leaves the room because you’re under constant surveillance.

Who do they think is going to buy these dirty pants? If I were having a yard sale and trying to sell jeans that I didn’t wear anymore, I would wash them before I put them out on display.

Do people actually buy pants at yard sales? I’m not currently in the market for used clothing, but If I were, I would probably rather buy from a thrift store or goodwill. That way you don’t know what the person looked like that wore them before you. Do you really want to be able to picture the guy that was in your pants?

If you’re stupid enough to pay $425 dollars for a pair of jeans that look muddy, where do you plan to wear them? I’m sorry, that was mean. If you’re special enough to pay that much money for dirty pants, are you planning to wear them out to dinner?

I’m going to help you out since you’re special. If a person gets dirty doing actual work, what they do is bathe and change into clean clothes before going out.

I suppose all you can do is stand in the yard wearing your dirty pants and hope someone passes by. I think I have a solution that can get across the same message as fake muddy pants.

For two hundred dollars, I will sell you a t-shirt that says,

“I’m an idiot!”

Or for two hundred and seventy five dollars, you can get the deluxe model that states,

“I’m clueless and can be easily manipulated.”

Either way, you’re getting the same meaning across. Plus, it saves you money.

Well, that’s it for now. I have to go to a meeting with Nordstrom’s. I came up with an idea for a handkerchief that looks like it’s been used. Wish me luck.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.

JohnKnight