Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

My wife came home the other day and announced,

“I’m tired of looking at the same old thing every day.”

I knew this day was coming, it was only a matter of time. I was surprised it took this long. As I went to pack, she stopped me and said,

“No, idiot. I mean the furniture. It’s been in the same position for years. We need to move it around. “

I should have known I wouldn’t get off that easy. Then she said something about “Feng Shui.”

“What did you call me?”

It turns out it wasn’t an insult. “Feng Shui” is a Chinese philosophy where you arrange a room to make it feel calm and happy. I don’t know what’s so calm and happy about me grunting and swearing as I move heavy furniture around. Seems like a stupid philosophy to me.

Why can’t we just leave things the same? I know where everything is. It’s bad enough that “Giant Eagle” has to rearrange the store every two weeks, trying to confuse me. They do this on purpose. It’s a strategy to try to get me to spend more.

The reason they put the produce and flowers in the front of the store is because the vibrant colors are supposed to put us in a good mood. If we’re in a good mood we will spend more. Yeah, well they didn’t take into account the moron I just came across going the wrong way in the parking lot. They haven’t invented a color bright enough to get me over that.

All I needed was a loaf of bread. I go to where the bread used to be and it’s salad dressing! What sick demented mind does things like this? Imagine if you opened your sock drawer at home and it was filled with silverware? So, then you go to the silverware drawer hoping to find your socks. When you open that drawer you find the scotch tape and the batteries that stopped working in the remote but, hopefully leaving them in this drawer for three years will somehow re-energize them.

Finally, I found the bread three aisles over from where it used to be. In the spot where salad dressing was last week. Did they think they would get me to splurge on canned soup and ketchup because I had to walk by it to get to the bread? Ok, so I grabbed a bag of chips from the stand at the end of an aisle. That’s because they were on sale and I…Oh, just never mind.

I came up with a strategy. I went and grabbed a shopping cart and filled it with all of the salad dressing. As I was transferring it to the bread aisle, the store manager was walking toward me and looking at me suspiciously.

“That’s a lot of salad dressing.”

“Yeah, were having some people over.”

Next, I filled another shopping cart with all of the bread. The store manager was really looking at me curiously now.

“Didn’t I just see you with a cart full of salad dressing?”

“Must be a guy that looks like me.”

I had to get out of there in a hurry and didn’t get a chance to change the price signs. There was probably a lot of confusion after I left because,

“The chunky blue cheese, whole wheat is supposed to be on sale!”

At least now, everything is back where it’s supposed to be. As far as home, I put a bag of oranges and a head of lettuce in front of the door. That’ll brighten the mood and it’s easier on my back. Besides, my wife should have never called me “Feng Shui.”

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