Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

Well, Christmas is almost upon us once again. That means having to find the perfect gift for that special someone. It gets tougher every year doesn’t it? If you’re pulling your hair out over this decision, maybe I can help.

Nordstrom Department store is selling a rock that comes in a leather pouch for eighty-five dollars. Yes, you read that right. It’s a rock, in a leather pouch, eighty-five smakareenos! It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But, as of this past Wednesday, they were completely out of stock. I’m kind of hoping they only had one in stock because they didn’t think anybody was stupid enough to pay eighty-five bucks for a rock.

The thing is, it doesn’t sound that way. They were still offering the smaller rock for sixty-five dollars. You can’t do that though, can you? I mean if you’re giving somebody a rock for a gift, you want to spend the extra twenty dollars and get them the big rock. It’s Christmas after all. You don’t want to see the look of disappointment on their face when you give them the small rock.

When I was a kid, my parents would tell us if we were bad, Santa would put a lump of coal in our stocking. At least a lump of coal would have had some use. You could burn it for heat. What are you going to do with a rock? You can’t even start a fire with one rock. You need two rocks to bang together to create a spark. So, now you’re out one-hundred and seventy bucks. I guess you could get one big rock and one of the smaller cheaper ones to start a fire. But hey, again, it’s Christmas.

I suppose you could use the rock to smash the window of the store of your choice and get your own gift. I’m just not sure if that’s the sentiment behind it.

How would somebody react when you give them a rock for a gift?

“Wow, hey would you look at that. What’s it supposed to be?”

“It’s a rock.”

“Yes it is…It’s a rock…this is totally unexpected…wow, a rock…this is something I would never get for myself…look at that…you got me a rock…what does it do?”

“It’s a rock.”

“Yes, it is..It’s a rock. All that I got for you was a diamond necklace and you give me a rock…Would you look at that…it’s a rock.”

“It’s in a leather pouch.”

“Yes, it is…it’s a rock in a leather pouch…would you look at that. You gave me a rock.”

If that’s the kind of reaction you’re looking for, you’re out of luck. Like I said they were out of stock and they didn’t say when they would be getting more rocks in. Somebody will have to go out to the yard to make that happen.

Not to worry. I know there’s only so many shopping days until Christmas and you have your heart set on giving somebody a rock. Have you thought about an alternative? Instead of a rock in a leather pouch, I’m selling a stick with a knitted scarf. The stick is also more budget friendly than the rocks. Big sticks are fifty dollars and the small ones are thirty-five. Hurry up and order now if you want delivery before Christmas.

I have to get out to the yard and make sure we have plenty in stock. First, I have to go to Nordstrom and return my rock. I think it’s broken.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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