Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

I just got back from performing on a cruise ship. It was an itinerary I had never dealt with before. I flew into Fiji, joined the ship and then seven sea days to Honolulu, where I flew home. Usually the ships dock in different ports and I use that as an opportunity to go out and find a place with Wi-Fi.

The Wi-Fi plan on the ship was expensive and I had a way to check e-mails, so I just did without for seven days. OK, maybe I’m cheap, but I really didn’t miss it. I wasn’t the only one doing without. I saw people reading actual books. Not notepads, but actual books. We were living like the pioneers.

Because of the time difference, my flight from Honolulu wasn’t until early evening. The airport wasn’t that crowded at the time. It wasn’t until I arrived in Dallas on Monday morning for my connecting flight back to Pittsburgh, that I realized what I was missing. Hundreds if not thousands of people walking around the airport on a busy travel day. The thing I noticed was that none of them was looking where they were going. Each one was walking and staring at that device in their hand.

They have to be bumping into each other. The fact that I was looking helped me avoid at least three collisions. That’s when I came up with the idea for my app. You don’t even have to look up. Just click on the icon and,

“Excuse me.”

“My bad.”

“Pardon me.”

“My fault.”

You tell me that’s not a great idea.

The day after I got home, I was watching the morning news. There was a story about how people are becoming addicted to their smart phones. There are now facilities where you can receive treatment for your addiction. I’m not making this up, I wish I was but I’m not.

That afternoon I was driving when I came to the on-ramp for business 376. It’s a left hand turn from the direction I was going but it was blocked. There were a line of cars going in the other direction and stopped at a red light. Normally, common courtesy would have the vehicle that was going to block the turn lane leave the space open, but not the blonde in the SUV. I guess she figured, if she wasn’t moving, neither should anyone else.

It was when the light turned green and the cars in front of her began to move, that I became really annoyed. She was just sitting there staring down at her phone. I realize now that it’s a sickness and she needs treatment. The insults I screamed in her direction didn’t help her at all…Although, I must admit it did me a world of good.

The best thing I could have done for her was to follow my initial instinct. Grab the phone out of her hand and throw it under the tires of an oncoming vehicle. I hope it doesn’t make me a bad person because I didn’t follow through.

Well the good news is, we now have places that treat people for cell phone addiction. The bad news is…we now have places that treat people for cell phone addiction.

From what I understand, the first few days in these facilities are the worst. They strap you down as you go through withdrawal. Patients stare at the empty palm of their hand as they weep and vomit uncontrollably.

Once your withdrawal symptoms begin to subside, they begin with severe therapy. Like teaching patients to eat, without first taking a picture of their food and posting it. Also learning, when you have a stupid opinion, just keep it to yourself.

I know it’s hard for most people to admit they have a problem. I can’t see the blonde in the SUV rushing off to get the therapy she needs. But you people walking and driving around staring at your phones all day are a hazard. If you won’t get the help you need, at least buy my app. It’s called “I Don’t Intentionally Obstruct Traffic”…I.D.I.O.T.

“Excuse me.”

“My bad.”

“Pardon me.”

“My fault.”

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.


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