Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

We were going to make the final payment on my wife’s car and then wait at least six months, maybe longer until I started to look for a new ride. With no car payments, we could let the extra money build up and use it for a vacation or get some things done around the house. Well, that was the plan anyway.

I don’t think the glue on the stamp for the final payment had even dried before my Subaru started to fall apart. The first thing to go was the driver side window. It came out of the track and was going up crooked. I looked on the internet hoping to find a quick fix, you know like banging the door in a certain place or giving it a stern talking to.

“You go back where you belong!”

What I found on the internet was a discussion about which screw to adjust to fix the problem. There was a diagram of about a thousand different screws that one guy had found once he removed the inside panel of the door. I figured, that since the guy that actually knew how to remove the inside panel of the door couldn’t fix it, what chance did I have.

I decided to go into the dealership to get an estimate. Yeah, I know, you should never go to the dealership for maintenance that’s not covered under warranty. I just assumed they may have dealt with this in the past and knew exactly what the problem was. So I headed over to Day Apollo Subaru in Moon. (There, I gave you a plug. I think that’s worth at least five thousand off my next car.)

It turns out, the window wasn’t off the track after all. The guy at the service desk told me,

“Sounds like you need a window adjuster.”

“How do you know without looking at it?”

“I know, it’s a window adjuster.”

I had never heard of a window adjuster. I didn’t even know what they were. Now I do. A window adjuster is five hundred dollars, that’s what they are!

The next day the exhaust started to get loud and rattle underneath. It looks like it’s time to let go. The plan to go six months without a car payment goes up as crooked as my window. Now I have to decide what to get.

Having a house, there are many times when having a truck would come in handy. I mean, how many things at Home Depot fit in the trunk of a Subaru? I can’t get a truck. I hate modern country music and I’m pretty sure that’s the law. If you drive a truck, you have to listen to country music. Not happening.

A friend of mine said,

“You should get an electric car.”

Not a practical idea. It takes a few minutes to stop and pump gas in the car. When you run out of electricity, it takes two and a half hours to recharge the car. That means I would have to go two hundred miles an hour the rest of the way to make up for lost time.

When you’re driving you always see signs for food, gas and lodging. I haven’t seen any that say,

“Plug in, next exit.”

What happens if I run out of electricity in Amish country? No electricity, no alcohol, It would be an ugly scene.

I’ll decide on something and now it has to be sooner than I’d hoped. I keep my cars for a long time. For one thing, I don’t put a lot of miles on them because of my travel. The other reason is I always feel like I got screwed after we agree on a deal.

Yeah I know, with the internet it makes it tougher for them to pull something. But, they still do.

“Oh, I see the problem. That model you looked up is thousands of dollars less because it came without floor mats.”

“Couldn’t we just take the floor mats out of this one?”

“We could, but then we would have to charge you for floor mat removal and storage fee.”

“How much is that?”

“A lot more than it costs just to leave them in.”

I just needed a few more months.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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