Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”
By Comedian John Knight
Let me start off by saying that I’m a registered independent, which means I vote for who I feel is best qualified. Nobody was really appealing to me during this current election cycle, which seems to have been going on for at least three years already.
Although none of the candidates stood out as somebody I would vote for, one did turn me away big time. He was an obnoxious windbag that was throwing everything out of balance. Instead of discussing the issues, they were talking about penis size and who had the uglier wives. The thing is, I just couldn’t look away. I hated myself for it and then it suddenly dawned on me. I wouldn’t just support Donald Trump, but I’m proposing myself as his running mate.
Vice-President Knight, it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Now, I don’t know which way he’s leaning. He might be considering somebody that thinks like him. You know, somebody like Sara Palin or Randy Quaid. That’s why I have to sell myself on what I bring to the campaign.
As you know, the Donald…you have to love it don’t you? It’s not the Ted or the Marco or the Hillary. Anyway, he’s not talking about people in this country making a living wage or lessening the divide in pay between CEO’s and employees. No, he would never suggest a radical plan like that. Instead, he comes up with practical ideas, like building a giant wall across the southern border to keep out Mexican rapists and drug dealers.
Now, the wall will keep them out for a while. But, what happens when they realize that they can fly into Canada and cross the border there? That’s why I say we make the United States a non-flyover zone. Sure, it’ll take you a lot longer to get places by bus, train or car, but won’t you feel safer?
I know what you’re thinking, what about all the unemployed people who used to work for the airline industry? We give them jobs building the wall! See, it’s this kind of thinking that will make the country great again.
Am I sounding ridiculous yet? Ok, good, I’ll continue. Donald Trump also intends to ban all Muslims from entering the United States. He hasn’t told anybody how he plans to do it, but I’m sure he knows. We can probably just ask them. That’ll throw them off.
“You got me, I didn’t know you were going to ask.”
What the Don…if I’m going to be his running mate I can call him that. Anyway, what he doesn’t mention is the Muslims that are already here. Sure, they are working as doctors and teachers, police officers, professional athletes, but they must be bad people because they’re Muslim after all. How do we keep an eye on these people?
I say we paint a red check mark on their forehead so we know who they are. We’re going to need a volunteer willing to do this to Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson, but we’ll find somebody.
Still not ludicrous enough? Then I’ll continue. The thing people love about Trump is he’s not a politician. He’s attracting those who are sick of being lied to by people bought and paid for by lobbyists. They love El Dono…again, running mate, they love how he gets his points across. You know there’s no way he’s going to get that wall built but he says it with such conviction. It’s like when George Costanza said,
“Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie…if you believe it.”
Even Trump’s own party is against him. What are they going to do, trot out another loser like Mitch Romney? Yeah, I know that’s not his name but I can’t bring myself to refer to a grown man as “Mitt.” Even though Trump has more money than him, Romney came across as the rich guy who couldn’t relate to the common man.
One of the ideas Romney kept pushing was no taxes on dividends. A lot of people could care less about dividends if they even know what they are. Of course, Trump supporters understand dividends.
“Two divenda four is two. Two divenda six is three.”
Just think how exciting a Trump presidency will be. It will be like riding an out of control giant Ferris wheel. It will be quite a thrill as it spins faster and faster. There will be nothing like it until it finally comes loose from its moorings and becomes dangerous and deadly. Up until then it’ll be a hell of a ride, won’t it?