Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

For people of the Christian faith, Easter came early this year. You no sooner took down the St. Patrick’s Day decorations and had to put up the ones for Easter. That is since people started decorating for every holiday no matter how big it is. Sometimes it seems inappropriate to me. Do you think when Jesus was being beaten, whipped and nailed to the cross, it would have eased his pain to know that someday people would commemorate the occasion by dangling plastic colored eggs from the tree in the front yard? Yeah, me neither.

Even if they’re not Christian, most people accept the fact that Jesus was a great philosopher who believed in helping the poor and sharing with others. That means today he would be classified as a radical, left-wing socialist.

With Easter upon us, I’ve decided to use the occasion to work on my anger issues. Instead of allowing myself to become annoyed, I stop to ask myself,

“What would Jesus do?”

For example, we need a new barbeque grill for the summer. The last time I brought one home unassembled and had a hell of a time getting it together.

“What would Jesus do?”

Well, since he was a carpenter, it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal for him to throw it together. Me on the other hand, I don’t think Jesus would have a problem with me spending the extra money to have it assembled. No need in subjecting the neighbors to that scene again. Me in the backyard kicking around various parts, the neighbors calling their children inside so they don’t have to hear the language the crazy man next door is using. This time we’ll do it the easy way.

I was performing on a cruise ship recently. One afternoon I went up to use the gym. There was a lady just sitting on the machine I wanted to use. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first. She was just sitting there with a towel on her lap. Maybe she was just resting between sets, although it didn’t look that way.

I went and did something else. After about twenty minutes it was obvious she was just sitting on this equipment. When I asked her if I could use it, she said something in a language I didn’t recognize. From the way she said it, I think she told me to go do something to myself.

She was waiting for her husband. He was actually working out with dumbbells on the other side of the gym. After each set he would lean against the rack so nobody else could get at the weights and if somebody wanted to get at a dumbbell, he would scream at them in broken English.

“What? Why you bother me? Take what you want!”

Now, I don’t know, maybe in their country this couple is the king and queen. They can do whatever they want and everyone bows before them. In the gym they were just a couple of ignorant jerks. I was ready to say something and then I thought,

“What would Jesus do?”

I suppose Jesus wouldn’t have “ACCIDENTALLY” dropped a fifty pound weight on the guy’s toes. Turns out he was a real jerk anyway, wouldn’t even accept my apology. He just told me to do the same thing his wife told me in his native tongue.

I was in Miami last week, walking along trying to get someplace. I came upon a group of people stopped and not moving. Then I saw what was happening. Turns out some guy was taking a picture of his girlfriend in front of a sign on a restaurant. Everyone was waiting for him to snap the shot.

I don’t know if it happens to me more often because I’m in tourist spots or if you encounter the same thing. Some idiot taking a picture and the whole world is supposed to stop for them. I don’t mind giving them a moment, but it’s always the same hold up. All of a sudden the guy is an artist trying to get the right lighting or something.

“It’s not going in a gallery; you’re going to post it on social media. Take the damn picture!”

I was really getting annoyed waiting for this guy. Then I thought,

“What would Jesus do?”

Ok, so Jesus probably wouldn’t have walked into the frame of the picture with his middle finger raised at the camera…I guess I’m not perfect, forgive me…Jesus would.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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