Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

by Comedian John Knight

It was time for new phones. We were still using the I-phone 4, but they were working fine. Yeah, I know nerds, you already have I-phone 9, even though they won’t be out for a few years, but you have a secret connection. As long as I can do what I need to do is all that matters to me. The problem being I was notified that I would no longer be able to do anything with my phone outside of the country. I had cruise ship dates coming up and that would be a problem.

My wife and I waited half an hour or so before our name was finally called. The girl helping us, I don’t know what you call them. We used to have sales people but now they all have titles. Like at Starbucks they are Barista’s, so I guess at Verizon they’re phone techs or Phonista’s. They can’t actually call them the person screwing you.

We got talked into a plan that will save us money. I don’t know about you, but anytime I get talked into a plan that saves me money…it always ends up costing more.

I needed a phone that I could use. The main reason I kept putting it off was because I would have to remember passwords to everything I had on my old phone. Yeah, I know, maybe I should store them or write them down somewhere. If I was an organized jerk like that I would have I-phone 9 and would be writing about something else. The thing is, I remember what my passwords are, at least for five minutes or so. Who thought I would ever need them again?

So I spent the evening sorting through it all.

“Forgot password?”

“Yes, if not I would already be into Twitter, wouldn’t I?”

Then the e-mails and security questions,

“What was the name of your first pet?”

“Fish.”

Yeah, that dog never liked me, but so what.

I finally had it all sorted it and then I arrived in Miami after the first leg of the cruise. I opened my e-mail and had a notification from my web server. The credit card I use to pay my monthly charge had expired. I had the new one so I figured I would just give them a call and straighten things out.

I grabbed a coffee at Starbucks from one of those people that sell coffee; I forget what they’re called. Then I bought a cigar from a cigarista and took a seat on a bench. I was explaining my situation to the woman at the website and then she said it,“What’s your password?”

Seriously? Again?

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry sir, we can’t resolve this issue without a password.”

“I’m just trying to pay my bill.”

“I’m sorry, we can’t do anything without the password.”

“So, you’re afraid that I might be trying to hack into the system and pay somebody else’s bill?”

There was dead silence on the other end and then he sat down.

If you know me, I’m a very private person and hate to have my space invaded. There were empty benches on each side of me but this moron had to be right next to me.
He was a young nerd and it wouldn’t have bothered me as much if he was texting or selfie sticking himself. But, he was just sitting there! I don’t know, maybe he was attracted to cigar smoking men screaming into their phones. There are a lot of freaks out there.

It was very uncomfortable for me. I’m trying to explain to the woman on the phone that I’m me and not one of those people that go around stealing other’s identities in order to get them out of debt. Now, this lunatic is next to me. Something had to be done. I thought for a minute and then I looked at him and said,
“Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?”

I did it in a way that let him know I was more insane than he was. I knew it could backfire on me but I was prepared to go in the opposite direction. I would have gone on about Satan, Justin Beiber, Donald Trump, whatever it took. He looked a bit shaken up as he stood and moved over three benches. Then I realized what a mistake I had made. Maybe he knew my password.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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