Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

 

Twas the day after Christmas, the house is a mess

How much I drank last night is anyone’s guess

I awoke this morning, fully clothed in a chair

Started out for bed, never quite made it there

Hope I don’t have to regret something I said

It feels like somebody’s playing bongos on top of my head

My wife in her PJ’s and me in my sweats

Are looking at bills, crying over our debts

 

Ok, enough of that. It’s all over now anyway. Fighting the crowds and the traffic to get that special gift that somebody will be returning. Another Christmas is over. Well not completely. A lot of you will be once again fighting the crowds and traffic to return something you hate. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

The last place I want to go the day after Christmas is back to the mall. There should be no reason for it but there is. For the third year in a row, I somehow managed to walk out of the store with the alarm device still attached to what I was buying.

You know what I mean. Those plastic things, inside of clothing that are supposed to be removed by the cashier. It has to be removed at the store by a special machine. If you try to remove them yourself they put a hole in the clothing. They also release some kind of ink and I believe noxious gases that leave you unconscious.

The purpose of these gadgets is to keep you from walking out of the store without paying. Once you pay they are removed so you can walk out of the store without setting off the alarm. The problem is, they obviously don’t’ work. How else can you explain me being able to walk out of a store three years in a row without being arrested?

Maybe there’s a way to defuse them just to mess with people.

“This guy looks like he hates it here. Let’s make him come back.”

Then again, the whole system could be a ruse. There is no actual alarm. It’s just a decoy to keep us from stealing. I say we conduct an experiment. The next time you’re at a department store, grab something and walk out. If the alarm somehow does go off, just tell them you’re doing a test. Use my name, that should help.

So now that’s what I have to do. Back to the mall and the crowds. I will probably set off the alarm going into the store. How do you explain that? Who’s going to believe you?

“No, I wasn’t stealing this. I’m bringing it back.”

You feel like the Grinch lying to Cindy-Lu Who as he’s stealing her tree.

If I don’t get arrested, I plan to give myself a treat. Now that Christmas is over I can go watch them clean the urine stains out of Santa’s empty chair. Plus, I already know what I want for Christmas next year. One of those special machines that can remove the anti-theft tags from inside of department store clothing.

 

And they heard him exclaim, as he was dragged out of sight

“You can’t arrest me, don’t you know I’m John Knight!”

 

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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