Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

 

Pittsburgh just had its fifty-fifth annual light up night. That means it’s been around longer than me. I find there are a lot less of those things these days. Even though a lot of the buildings occupants have changed through the years, the decorations stay traditional.

It’s nice to see things stay the same through the years. The holidays should have familiarity. Each new memory is linked to the past and we need that. Especially now with those bastards at Starbucks trying to destroy Christmas!

If you haven’t heard, Starbucks is using plain red cups this year. I know, why not just put the devil on there. Plain cups with no pictures of snowflakes or reindeer or Santa, or any of the other things that we associate with Christmas. This according to a lunatic that claims he’s some kind of minister or preacher, Starbucks is anti-Christian and should be boycotted.

Apparently, this idiot released a video ranting about this subject. It has gotten over one million views so far. A million! I’m not going to give you his name or whatever church he claims to be from. He’s had enough publicity already. I know a lot of people watch to mock, but they’re still watching.

Joseph Goebbels said,

“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

And we all know what kind of guy he was.

Fox News started this fake “War on Christmas” crap years ago. Now you have idiots looking for any sign to prove it. This guy believes taking the pictures off of the cups is a sign of blasphemy. Now, we all know a picture of a snowman is representative of the Christ child being born in the desert. I just don’t know if not having Santa on the cup is enough to call you anti-Christian.

This preacher, or whatever he is, is upset because nobody at Starbucks has told him Merry Christmas. It could be because it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, but he feels it’s rooted much deeper. He’s telling people to say their name is Merry Christmas when placing their order. Then the barista, they’re called baristas now, instead of the person who makes coffee at Starbucks. Anyway, then the Barista will have to write Merry Christmas on the cup and call it out when your order is ready.

I can picture my father, the ex-marine. A man that drank coffee with no sugar, just that powdered creamer that’s flammable. Do you know what he would say if he was in Starbucks with me and I ordered a non-fat, decaf, peppermint mocha chino and say my name is Merry Christmas.

“Yeah, Mary’s a good name for you.”

Speaking of my father and tradition, we never forgot what Christmas was about. There was always a nativity scene under our tree. Of course Santa was in the manger with the wise men. When some of the animals went missing we replaced them with what we had. There was a giraffe, hippo, Snoopy…but at least we weren’t drinking coffee out of plain red cups! We weren’t heathens.

Starbucks is a place I go to out of necessity. It’s not my favorite coffee but I go there if it’s what’s around.  I can’t remember the cups they’ve used in the past. I’m thinking they may have been green. I can’t imagine Starbucks having a problem with green. Not anyone charging five dollars for a large coffee…I’m sorry they don’t have large. So five bucks for whatever the big size is, venti or extra-medium or whatever they call it.

The thing that bothers me most about all of this is the million views. We’ve done what I think are some very entertaining videos here and haven’t gotten anywhere near a million views. This idiot comes up with some made up conspiracy because nobody told him Merry Christmas on Halloween and millions watch. Oh, and the red solo cup. The next thing you know this he’ll be saying Toby Keith hates Easter.

All I’m really interested in is getting views. I’ve got to come up with something really stupid. I’m not out to intentionally start a ban on anybody. It’s just if it happens, it happens. I’ve got to push things beyond reason to get this thing to work. I’m not going to give anything away here, but let’s just say somebody at Dunkin Donuts better wish me a “Happy New Year,” within the next week or two.

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