Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight
Unseasonably warm, one of my favorite terms. We got a nice dose of it this week In Pittsburgh. Temperatures in the upper seventies for November are uncommon. We really haven’t had a cold stretch yet and I think only one night of killing frost. Although it forgot to mention growing season was over to my grass.
I know what lies ahead but I don’t want to think about it. I don’t even like to mention winter. The last time it was even brought up was in my neighbor’s pool on a ninety degree day in July. That’s because it was a ninety degree day in July. It was still a long way off but now it’s coming. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate snow. I don’t need a white Christmas, I don’t need a white anything.
What reason would anybody have for looking forward to winter? I know, during the first snow of the season, one of the news stations will interview people and find some lunatic that says,
“I love this time of year.”
These people should be locked in cages and given extensive therapy. Then, if you’re unable to cure them, send them to one of the poles to enjoy winter year round.
There’s just nothing good about it. I hate driving in it and I’m a good driver. It’s just that half of these idiots shouldn’t be allowed to have keys to a car on the clearest day in summer. Now you add frozen precipitation to the mix and it’s “Thunder Dome” out there.
I really don’t want to think about it. Especially with the weather we’ve been having. The thing is, you just can’t avoid running into people that want to bring it up. A guy I know at the gym, couldn’t help himself yesterday.
“I wish it would stay like this but, they say we’re going to have a mild winter anyway.”
Who the hell are THEY and what do THEY know? People always use that expression but never tell you who THEY are. Do THEY live high atop some mountain like Gods and that’s why THEY know all?
He had no sooner made his statement about a mild winter when another guy chimed in.
“I hear they say it’s going to be brutal.”
No wonder THEY are always right. If you take every possible angle, one of them will be correct. So now I have two differing opinions. Which will be right? If you ask me if I’m a half full or half empty kind of guy, I say,
“The glass is half empty and leaking from the bottom.”
That means I think it’s going to be a nasty winter. I say this even though we have yet to see the first snow around here. Some places had their first snow. Cleveland already had snowfall but it serves them right for being Cleveland.
So now, because of THEM, I can’t enjoy this summer day in November. All I can do is remember the harsh winter of last year. I think the average temperature in Pittsburgh during February was one. You would walk outside and the cold, icy wind would rip the skin right off your face. How does anybody say they like that?
Then it’s all of the other things we have to deal with. The first time they mention we could get an accumulation of more than an inch, the grocery stores are packed. All of the panicked morons act like they won’t be able to leave their homes again until June. They stock up on supplies and good luck if you need milk, bread or toilet paper.
The milk and bread I can understand. After all, you need nutrition to endure for months as you wait for that inch of snow to melt. It’s the hoarding of the toilet paper that bothers me. What’s going on here? Do they use it for some kind of ritual to the snow gods? Is there some sort of loose bowel syndrome associated with snow fall that I’m unaware of? Maybe in their panicked rush to survive, these morons forget their gluten and lactose allergies.
You know, when I was a kid you never heard of all these allergies. Last week during “trick or treat,” some of the candy we were giving out were Reese’s cups and peanut M&M’s. My wife told me I should ask the children if they had peanut allergies before giving them either of these. Nobody asked us anything when I was young. You came home Halloween night and dumped out your bag and it was always the same thing. One hundred and twelve Clark Bars and a stale, homemade popcorn ball from the crazy old lady up the street. Nobody ever died from it and if they did, we kept it to ourselves.
I think I’m going to have to do something drastic to ease my winter blues. If I can somehow make a profit from it, I think I can somehow get through. So this year, any time there’s a few inches of snow in the forecast, I will buy every last roll of toilet paper. I’ll make sure there isn’t a single roll left on the shelves. Then I will set up a toilet paper black market.
People will be willing to pay whatever I ask. I’ll know the desperate ones from the look on their face and funny way they walk. Maybe I’ll put “gluten free” stickers where they don’t belong, just to make the plan more diabolical!
Yeah, they may say I’m crazy, but what the hell do THEY know?
See John Knight Perform Live TONIGHT!