Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

 

The problem started on Tuesday although the root of it happened before then. I get occasional numbers calling my cell that I don’t recognize. I just don’t answer it because it’s normally either a wrong number or solicitation. Occasionally, they leave a message. I get quite a few in Spanish since I still have my same number as when I lived in California. Sorry, no comprende.

I also get messages like,

“Hey Larry, it’s me Tony. I got two tickets for the game tonight. Call me back if you want to go.”

This despite the fact that my greeting clearly says,

“This is John.”

I guess John is close enough to Larry to give it a shot. Meanwhile poor Larry is missing the game while Tony thinks he’s a jerk for not calling back. Have you ever noticed how many morons live amongst us?

Anyway, these unknown callers come every so often. Not enough to be an annoyance, but last Tuesday all of that changed. The calls started to become frequent. They were all from different numbers. Some said “No Caller ID!” Most called back repeatedly. It went on for two days like that.

I tried to think back to what may have started it. On Monday night I went online to get application papers for a new Passport. I had to give a contact number, but it was a Government web page. The fine, upstanding, uncorrupted Federal Government would never sell my number to a solicitation firm. Did you see the sarcasm in what I said about the government or do you think my name is Larry?

The thing is, I have my number listed on the do-not-call list. Wait, is that run by the government too? Oh no, the whole system is rigged! I didn’t answer for two days and then it stopped. Hopefully, an easy solution.

Maybe that’s what the girl in the movie, “When a Stranger Calls” should have done. Just ignore it when the phone rings and hope he goes away. Of course it’s hard to pretend like you’re not there when the guy is calling from inside the house.

“Hello…I’m in the basement….I can hear you walking around up there….You wanna pick up?”

Of course that’s an old movie and premise. With smart phones it’s easy to call from inside the house. I’m sure there are some of you that text each other across the dinner table. That’s what made me think of other terrifying phone calls nobody wants to receive.

“When a Mechanic Calls”

 

You know this one. The warranty just expired and you take your car in for some minor maintenance. Maybe an oil change or inspection. Then the phone rings. Unless you know more than a little about cars, you’re at their mercy.

“Mr. Knight, it’s your auto service.”

“Yeah…”

“Looks like your gonna need a new firkin rod.”

“Are you sure? I thought I just replaced my firkin rod.”

“No, this firkin rod’s never been replaced.”

“Is it under warranty?”

“No firkin warranty.”

“How much will it cost to replace?”

“Well the firkin rod is only seventy-five dollars.”

“Oh, no big deal. Put it in.”

“The thing is, because of where it is, it’ll take three men and two days to replace it.”

“So how much altogether?”

“Nine thousand dollars.”

“Firk!”

 

“When a Doctor Calls”

 

You go in for tests and thought everything was ok. Then the phone rings.

 

“Hello Mr. Knight.”

“Yeah”

“I’m calling from Dr. Shamucko’s office about your recent test.”

“OK”

“It turns out the machine wasn’t working that day so we’re going to have to reschedule you to come in for another colonoscopy.”

“Firk!”

 

“When a Bill Collector Calls”

 

You think they forgot all about you not paying your credit card bill for six months. Then the phone rings.

 

“Hello, Mr. Knight, this is the collection agency.

“Hello this is Larry.”

 

 

This is the third post of the Halloween series. Next week I give my account of an actual Ghost Hunt with Point Paranormal at Bushy Run Battlefield.

See John Knight at the Oaks Theater in Oakmont

Click the Pic for tickets

OaksTheater

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