Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight
With Halloween approaching, there is an increase of interest in tales of the occult and bizarre. When people have these kinds of experiences, they are usually unexpected. It’s not the intention for people that claim to have seen UFO’s or Bigfoot. It just happens.
Yeah, there’s a show called “Finding Bigfoot” that’s been on for years. Of course they’ve never found him. If you haven’t seen it, a bunch of rednecks wander out into the woods. They then bang boards against trees and make high pitch howling sounds. Most times, there is a response back. They claim it’s Bigfoot when in reality it’s another group of rednecks on the other side of the woods banging trees and making howling sounds. There’s a lot of talented people that don’t have their own show, but this is on every week.
Wednesday was like any other day. I wasn’t anticipating anything weird to happen. I was at my local shopping center where I can be found most days. I had just gotten into my car to drive home. There’s angled parking with each lane going in a different direction. There are arrows marking the correct direction at the beginning and end of each row. It’s pretty simple really, to know which way to go.
I had just backed out of my space and began to pull forward when another car backed out ahead. It was a young woman driving and for some reason she didn’t back straight out. She backed into the space across from her and then back toward the spot she had been. As she continued it looked like she was trying to turn her car in the wrong direction.
When your witness to something like this, you begin to think your mind is playing tricks with you. She has to see me here, yet she’s continuing to maneuver toward me. She’s certainly not going to come this way. It was a surreal moment when she started in my direction and came to a halt.
Like you, I’ve heard the stories but always dismissed them as myths or legends. You don’t think it actually exists, but there I was, face to face with the dumbest person on the planet.
She was just staring at me with a big stupid smile on her face. I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing this. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a car pull up behind me. The woman in the passenger side got out and began to take pictures. I guess she planned to sell them to the tabloids to prove the dumbest person is in fact real.
“I wouldn’t get too close.”
I uttered, as she continued to click away.
She was just sitting there with that idiot smile on her face. I don’t know what she thought was going to happen. There was no way in hell I was going to back up so she could go the wrong way. I had to get through to her.
Since my window was down, I decided to begin a profanity lace tirade explaining I wasn’t moving. When I swear in anger, I have a little game I like to play where I try to use all of the letters of the alphabet. You can use the words however you like. Adjectives, nouns, whatever you want. I also use substitutions. For example, when I get to the letter E, I use a word for excrement followed by head. When I get to the letter F, I usually stay there for a while.
As the vulgarity spewed from my mouth, I could see people looking in our direction. They had noticed the creature. OK people, let’s not cause a scene here. One woman grabbed her young child and ran into the nearest store. The girl in the car seemed harmless, but I guess better safe than sorry.
The stupid smile had disappeared from her face and I was almost at the letter J when the tears began to flow. That’s when it finally began to sink in. She turned the car around and pulled back into the space she had occupied. It was a valuable lesson and she was lucky it was me, somebody else may not have been as nice.
As I began to pull away I saw her maneuver her car out and head in the wrong direction once again. I know you probably think I’m making this up, but I swear it’s true. The dumbest person on the planet does exist.
This is part two of my Halloween series leading up to October 31 when I give my account of an actual Ghost Hunt.
See John Knight at the Oaks Theater in Oakmont
Click the Pic for tickets