Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight
It started a few weeks ago. I was flying out of Orlando on my way back to Pittsburgh. The first flight was into Newark, not the best connection but I didn’t book it myself. It’s almost impossible to get direct flights in and out of Pittsburgh these days since the hub relocated.
US Airways started here and had the city build them a billion dollar airport in the nineties. About ten years after the hub opened, they pulled out and moved to Philadelphia. They are merging with American next week and US Airways will have a ceremonial final flight. It will not land in Pittsburgh, but in a final fitting tribute, they will empty their toilets as they pass over.
Anyway, it was a 757, which usually seats around two hundred and fifty passengers. I think United managed to get seven-hundred and twelve of us on that flight. For an extra eighty-nine dollars you could get half-inch of additional leg room, but I decided to rough it.
When we landed in Newark I was hungry. I decided to just grab a quick slice of pizza. It was the shortest line of all the fast food available, only one guy ahead of me. It took some time but a girl finally took his order and then turned away. He got his food, paid and went on. Meanwhile I was just standing there waiting for service. There were eight people working there and they all had their backs to me.
A young couple walked up behind me and then the girl turned around.
“What would you like?”
This was to them, not me! I had been standing there for about five minutes being ignored and these two get immediate service.
“I guess I didn’t want anything!”
And with that I walked away. Nobody apologized. It was like I didn’t exist.
A few days after I got home I was driving and approaching an intersection. I had the green light and was proceeding along when I noticed a car that was looking to make a turn into my lane ahead. He had the red light and I wasn’t very far from the crossing. There’s no way he could be stupid enough to take the chance of pulling out in front of me. And then he did. I slammed on the brakes and luckily didn’t get plowed into from behind. I beeped my horn but he didn’t flip me the bird or anything. It’s like I wasn’t there.
Two other times on that same day, cars cut me off at intersections. I could see the last moron sitting at a stop sign waiting to turn right. I was at least fifty to one hundred yards away when I first noticed him. I was within ten feet when he decided he would pull out ahead of me. Once again I put on the brakes. Then I got to go fifteen miles an hour in a posted thirty-five because that’s what he was doing.
These are the kind of people you should be able to take to the zoo and say,
“Go ahead, pet the lion. He won’t hurt you.”
We have one less idiot and the lion gets a nice lunch.
The last incident happened at the grocery store. I stepped into the self-check-out line because I saw the woman ahead of me was leaving. Or so I thought. Her groceries had been bagged and her receipt was printing. That’s when I noticed she wasn’t in much of a hurry. She casually put her bank card back into her wallet. And by casually, I mean in slow motion. Then she slowly fumbled with her keys, trying to decide if she wanted them in or out of her purse. Then she grabbed the receipt and took her wallet back out and…
Then her phone rang. Well it didn’t ring. Nobody’s phone rings anymore. It began to play some stupid song and she answered. She didn’t move forward to get out of the way. No she was standing in the spot where I needed to get to, while she continued her conversation. At this point I wanted to put that phone in a place where even the loudest speaker phone wouldn’t work.
It was mind boggling! There’s no way anybody could be this big of an inconsiderate, self-serving pig. Then it all began to make sense. She couldn’t see me. None of the other morons had seen me either. I somehow have become invisible.
When I nudged forward and started my transaction, she turned and gave a dirty look. This might have bothered me and led to a confrontation in the past but I knew it wasn’t directed at me. I’m invisible after all.
Make your reservations now for BUSHY RUN BATTLEFIELD’S HAUNTED HISTORY HAYRIDE!
Saturday October 24, From 7 till 10 PM.
Cost: Adult’s $8, Children $5
724 516 6650
Follow John on Twitter @jknight841
Order his book by clicking the icon below.