Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

Here we are, the first weekend of October and for the third straight year in Pittsburgh we will have meaningful baseball. For twenty years most of us forgot about the Pirates around May, so this is significant.

A lot of people, myself included, feel this team can go deep into the playoffs and possibly the World Series. There’s just one thing standing in the way. A guy by the name of Jake Arrieta. This is who will start for the Cubs in a one game playoff against the Pirates on Wednesday. He’s been on quite a roll these past few months.

There was an old baseball movie I remember watching with my father when I was a kid. It was about a scientist, who invents a substance that repels wood. He ended up rubbing it on baseballs and became a major league pitcher. Nobody could hit him because the ball moved away from the wooden bats. That’s what this Arrieta guy reminds me of right now.

We can’t take the chance of the Pirates figuring out a way to somehow beat him. No, we have to rig the system somehow. It’s going to be up to us, the fans, to make this happen. Now, we could try the typical white-out or black-out. You know, where we all wear the same color shirts and make a lot of noise and try to get under his skin. That’s not going to do it. We need to resort to more drastic measures. We need to get naked.

Here’s the way it works. Keep fully clothed when the Pirates are in the field. Also, people in the outfield, keep your clothes on at all times. We don’t want to distract the Pirates batters. Yeah, I know its October and it will probably be chilly at night. All the better ladies… not so much for you guys. Imagine when Arrieta comes out to pitch and looks at a sea of naked people. It’s got to throw him.

Now, I figure when he comes out for the second inning it won’t bother him as much. Pretty much, been there, seen that. That’s why we will start bending and stretching. This will be useful for both warmth and distraction.

Inning three is when we bounce and shake. The great Bob Prince, who was an announcer for the Pirates for many years, came up with the “Green Weenie.” It was exactly that. A plastic thing shaped like a green weenie. The crowd would shake them at the other team to hex them. Guys, on this chilly October evening, we will be shaking the “Blue Weenies.” That’ll show Arrieta.

Please note, if you’re seated next to somebody with a green weenie, avoid contact at all costs.

Inning four, everybody keep your clothes on. The strategy here is, we let him think we gave up. He’ll begin to settle down and fall right into our trap. In the fifth inning we go in a new direction. I like to call this, “moon rivers.”

If it looks like he plans to come out for the sixth, we get him with the Pierogi races. I have a couple of new characters to introduce. Wait till Arrieta gets a load of “Pulled Pork Paul” and “Jack Cheese Jimmy.”

Let’s say he has the nerve to take the mound for the seventh. It’s time to stop being soft with this guy. We have to show him what we do here in Pittsburgh. This is the inning when we “Raise the Jolly Rogers!” Let’s show them what we’re made of. Remember this game is nationally televised. Those men sailing at half mast, we appreciate the effort. Just remember, you’re not playing. Nobody will be testing you for performance enhancing drugs.

There’s no way he recovers from this scene. I can see Joe Maddon holding him in his arms as he cries ‘like a baby. He’ll probably never be able to throw another strike and questioning his own sexuality. He’ll be out of baseball within a year and probably turn to a life of drugs and alcohol. All thanks to us.

So there you have it. The perfect way to knock Arrieta and the Cubs out of the playoffs. Oh, by the way. If the Pirates somehow choke this weekend and the game ends up in Chicago. Keep your clothes on and the remote handy.

 

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